Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: Wakefields never die.

The Big Deal: Nothing much.

Synopsis:

The school is putting on a production of Carnival, and Jessica wants to play the leading role for two reasons: 1.) She’s Jessica and that’s what Jessica does, and 2.) she’d be playing opposite Bruce Patman and he’s, like, so dreamy. Jessica is a little concerned because the role requires singing and her main competition is Dana Larson, who knows how to sing.

Alice Wakefield hasn’t been feeling well lately. She goes to the doctor and tells the kids she has to have a lump in her neck biopsied. Since Ned is out of town, it’s just Alice and the kids at home. Jessica puts herself in charge of bossing around her siblings, telling them to do the laundry and make dinner, while she hangs out in her mother’s bedroom, taking care of her. Steven is pissed but Liz tells him they shouldn’t bother their poor sick mother with such nonsense. This apparently means they also can’t tell Jessica she’s being obnoxious, because Liz pokes Steven in the ribs every time he starts to yell at Jessica.

Alice tells the children there’s a very small chance the lump on her neck could be cancerous. Jessica immediately assumes that’s exactly what it is and she starts imagining how all alone and depressed she’ll be when her mother dies. Caroline Pearce calls the house for some stupid contrived reason, and Jessica tells her she can’t talk because her mother is very sick and needs her right away.

Caroline apparently has the phone number of every kid at Sweet Valley Middle School, and everyone has heard the news about Mrs. Wakefield by the time the twins get to school the next morning. Jessica, who truly does believe her mother is dying, lets everyone take care of her and be super nice to her, while Liz tries to dispel the rumors.

On Friday, Alice finally gets her test results back and tells the kids she just has a virus. Jessica doesn’t get a chance to fill her schoolmates in before Carnival auditions, and since everyone still thinks her mother is dying, Jessica is offered the role. The drama teacher has talked it over with Dana and the other hopefuls, and everyone agrees it’s the right thing to do. Jessica decides she’ll let everyone go on thinking that just over the weekend and on Monday she’ll tell them her mother is fine.

To Jessica’s horror, Dana and the other girls show up at the Wakefield house on Saturday. When they walk in and find a happy family instead of a family in mourning, they want to know what’s going on. Jessica lies and says they just found out her mom is going to be fine, and to ease her guilty conscience, she tells Dana she should play the lead in the musical. The drama teacher calls the next day to tell Jessica she heard about Dana taking the lead and she’d like to offer Jessica another part that will give her a chance to show off her dancing. Hooray for never having to work to earn anything.

There’s also a bit about Jessica obsessing over some amazing sweater with a unicorn embroidered on it. Her parents buy it for her in the end. Of course.

The Cover: Steven looks like he’s trying really hard to have a real expression on his face. He’s almost pulling it off! Liz is wearing a very stylish outfit. And by stylish I mean AWFUL.

The Moral of the Story: You’d better be good at sports if you want to change a sexist’s mind about women.

The Big Deal: Field trip to the zoo, Sixth Grade Follies, softball championship

Synopsis:

The twins have a new homeroom teacher, Mr. Davis. The first thing Mr. Davis does is change everyone’s seating. He puts the boys on one side of the room and the girls on the other. Then he changes everyone’s classroom assignments. He puts the girls in charge of “girly” things like feeding the gerbils and cleaning up after class, and the boys get all the cool jobs, like taking messages to the office. The class is taking a field trip to the zoo the next day, and money was collected for everyone to buy lunch there. Instead, Mr. Davis gives the money to the girls so they can buy stuff to make sandwiches. At the zoo, Mr. Davis tells the girls to go get sodas for everyone, and then makes them clean up after everyone has eaten.

More injustices: Mr. Davis gives each group a different poem to read. The boys get an awesome poem about the Revolutionary War, while the girls have to read something stupid about fairies in a garden. When Amy says the poem was silly and asks why they couldn’t have a good poem like the one the boys had, Mr. Davis says he felt the fairy thing was more appropriate for girls.

It’s almost time for the Sixth Grade Follies and Liz was hoping to direct a skit written by Nora. However, Mr. Davis thinks directing is a man’s job and he doesn’t even glance at Nora’s skit before deciding on Ross Bradley’s dumb thing about apes. The upshot of all this is that the boys are now feeling like they’re superior to the girls. The girls are pissed.

But nobody wants to tell their parents or the principal. They decide to take care of things themselves.

The girls’ big plan is to act as helpless and weak as the boys seem to think they are. So Jessica says she can’t feed the gerbils because they scare her, Ellen can’t water the plants because the watering can is too heavy. You see what I’m saying. But then it’s time for the big softball game (yeah, suddenly there’s a softball championship going on between all the homerooms) and the girls have to act like they can’t play. When his class loses the game, Mr. Davis kicks all the girls off the team.

And still nobody tells an adult.

Principal Clark observes the twins’ homeroom one day to see how Mr. Davis is getting along. The girls are prepared. They pop their gum, talk loudly to each other, act stupid in general. Mr. Davis doesn’t notice because he’s started tuning the girls out entirely. Mr. Clark has to tell him that the girls might not be so bored if they were included in the class discussion. Mr. Davis replies, “What do you expect from girls?” What a douchecanoe.

New development: the Sweet Valley Town Council has decided to remodel the middle school and the school is getting a committee of students together to contribute ideas. Liz wants on that committee, but she knows the boys will all vote for each other and Mr. Davis would break the tie in their favor. She and Jessica figure if they can get one of the boys to be absent the day the homeroom votes on its committee members, the girls will get voted in, no problem. So they tell Ricky Capaldo they’re going to make sure he wins, and he’s so shy that he decides not to come to school so he can’t be nominated. The plan works! Nora, Amy and Liz are on the committee. Neither the committee nor the remodeling plans are ever mentioned again.

And now it’s time for the Sixth Grade Follies. Mr. Clark tells Mr. Davis his boys did a horrible job and says the girls should have been involved, too. Mr. Davis sort of apologizes to the girls and it looks like things might be turning around, but when Amy asks if they can play in the next softball game, Mr. Davis says girls suck too much at sports to play in such an important game. The girls go to the game and sit in the stands wearing their uniforms. The boys play like crap. Jessica gets a bunch of seventh- and eighth-grade Unicorns to start chanting, “We want the girls!” and Tom McKay, who has finally seen the light, convinces Mr. Davis to let them play.

Naturally, the girls win the game for the whole team, and Mr. Davis sees the error of his ways. He promises things will be different from now on and the whole class celebrates with a pizza party.

Quotes:

“Look, girls. It is important to all of us that we win this game, right? Well, when it comes to athletics, boys are simply better suited than girls. It’s a fact of nature that no one can change. I’m sorry, but maybe you can play next time when it’s less crucial.”

How did this jackhole even get hired?

The Cover: I read this book many times as a kid, and I always hated the cover. Does that guy have the biggest butt you ever saw? If not, he must be standing in the most uncomfortable butt-sticking-out stance possible.

The Moral of the Story: If you win a contest, everyone will like you. (I feel like this is a recurring theme.)

The Big Deal: Party at Kimberly’s

New Kid with a Problem: Dylan McKay, loser

Synopsis:

Three super important things are happening in the lives of the Wakefields. 1. Steven has some kind of sports banquet coming up. *yawn* 2. Liz is all excited about an essay contest. *double yawn* 3. Jessica wants to go to Kimberly Haver’s upcoming birthday party but she’s still grounded because of last week’s shenanigans. Her parents have been thinking she might have been grounded long enough, but then they get the kids’ report cards and decide Jessica could do with another two weeks. Jessica schmoozes herself into a “probation period” and if her grades haven’t improved in two weeks she’ll be regrounded.

Liz overhears an argument between the cute and popular new kid, Tom McKay, and his awkward older brother Dylan. Tom would like Dylan to get involved in stuff at school, but Dylan doesn’t feel like there’s any point because he sucks at everything. Dylan is actually a pretty good writer and he’s been working on a piece for the essay contest, but he gives up when he hears some kids talking about how great Tom’s essay is.

There’s a schoolwide project everyone has to do, that thing where students have to create a business. Liz is determined to be nice when Dylan McKay is assigned to the group she’s in, but he’s unfriendly and shoots down all Liz’s suggestions about contributions he could make. Tom is in Jessica’s group and he’s all excited about Jessica’s idea to start a boutique. When Dylan sees how much fun the other group is having with Tom, he gets even crabbier and pretty soon nobody wants to talk to him because he’s acting like a jerk. That makes him even more crabby and he decides it’s all Tom’s fault. He starts a fight in the cafeteria and punches Tom in the nose.

Liz’s group is going to publish a book of students’ writing, and she puts Dylan on typing duty. When Liz gets home that night, she finds Dylan’s essay mixed in with the other papers. She thinks it’s great and she calls Dylan to tell him it has to be postmarked today or it won’t be counted. Dylan tells her to throw it away. Liz can’t bring herself to do that; instead, she gets her mom to drive her to the post office so she can mail it herself.

Everyone in the seventh grade gets invited to Kimberly Haver’s party. Except Dylan. This is the last straw; he’s going to run away. He goes to the bus station, but realizes he can’t afford a ticket. Then Jessica (who is at the bus station for some dumb contrived reason) sees him and he makes up a lie about seeing an aunt in San Francisco. Jessica loses interest almost immediately, but Dylan decides to wait until next Friday. Everyone will be at Kimberly’s party and nobody will even notice Dylan is gone.

When Friday rolls around, Liz finds out Dylan actually won the essay contest, but he’s nowhere to be found. The Scooby gang gets together: Kimberly says she “forgot” to give Dylan his invitation, Jessica says she saw Dylan at the bus station, Tom says there is no aunt in San Francisco, and Liz puts it all together and she and Tom run off to the bus station. They find Dylan about to get on a bus to Los Angeles and they pull him out of line. Dylan whines about how everyone likes Tom better than him and he’s such a loser who’s not good at anything, so Liz tells him he won the essay contest. With his newfound confidence, Dylan goes to the party and has a grand time because everyone wants to hear about his awesome essay.

Quotes:

“We’ll probably need to construct a booth or something. How are you in wood shop?”

Dylan shook his head, still refusing to meet [Liz’s] eyes. “Terrible. The only thing I ever managed to do in wood shop was almost cut off my finger,” he told her glumly. “The teacher would hardly let me near the tools after that.”

The Cover: Liz looks like she’s messing with a hearing aid or something, and Tom just looks confused. His left hand is clawing at his back pretty intensely.

The Moral of the Story: If you lie about your age, you’ll end up on a double date with your brother.

The Big Deal: Circus!

Synopsis:

Jessica has made it her mission in life to meet an older guy. She’s sick to death of being treated like a twelve-year-old. With this in mind, she and Lila go to the roller rink, where Jessica meets Josh Angler. He’s sixteen and can DRIVE! Jessica tells him she’s fourteen and a half, and he asks her out for Saturday night. Jessica knows her parents will never go for this, so she tells Josh to pick her up at Lila’s instead.

Josh decides they should double with his friend Sam Morse. Sam’s girlfriend, Melanie, is a freshman at SVH. This is a problem because Jessica told Josh she was a freshman. She can’t answer any of Melanie’s questions about homeroom teachers and whatnot, so Jessica says she just moved to Sweet Valley a couple months ago. Then Josh takes them all to the Dairi Burger. Caroline Pearce is there and Jessica ignores Caroline’s attempts to speak to her. Melanie refers to Caroline as “Anita’s younger sister” and later mentions that Josh recently broke up with someone named Anita, but Jessica doesn’t put any of this together. Josh asks Jessica out for the following weekend.

Liz and Amy go to the mall a few days later, and a really cute blond guy tells Liz he can’t wait to see her Saturday night. Amy tells her that was JOSH ANGLER, OMG. Josh is apparently some kind of celebrity in Sweet Valley. He plays SOCCER AND EVERYTHING! Liz realizes Josh must have mistaken her for Jessica, and now she’s worried about Jessica going out with someone so much older. She confronts Jessica and tells her going out with Josh would be a bad idea, but Jessica acts all hurt and says she and Josh just talk on the phone and they have a phone date for Saturday. At dinner that night, Jessica tells her parents she’s been invited to stay with Kerry Glenn’s family at their Tahoe cabin that weekend. (Who the hell is Kerry Glenn?) The Wakefield parents would like to talk to Kerry’s parents, so Jessica gets Lila to call and pretend to be Mrs. Glenn. Alice Wakefield is a moron, remember, so of course she falls for it and tells Jessica she can go.

In other news…the circus is in town and Mr. Wakefield has disappointed the whole family by forgetting to get tickets. Going to the circus is a yearly family tradition, but Ned is a doofus. He finally does end up acquiring tickets, but Steven says he’s already made plans to go with friends, and of course Jessica will be at “the cabin.” Jessica calls Josh later that night and asks him what they’re going to be doing that Saturday. He says it’s a big surprise, but they’ll be going with some friends of his. I have a prediction. Do you think…maybe…they’ll be going to the circus? And maybe…there’s a connection between Steven’s friends and Josh’s friends? Hmmmm.

Amy Sutton has been talking to Caroline and she’s found out all kinds of stuff about this Josh character. He used to go out with Anita Pearce, but they broke up three weeks ago. Anita wants to get back together, but she’s heard around school that Josh has met someone named Jessica. Amy tells all this to Liz, who goes home and yells at Jessica. Jessica plays dumb and says Josh lied to her about his age. She promises to tell him off next time she talks to him. Yeah, right.

On Saturday night, Josh picks Jessica up at Lila’s, then gets his cousin Megan. As Megan directs Josh to her date’s house, Jessica realizes they’re driving through her own neighborhood. Oh, dear. While Megan goes to the door to get Steven, Josh tells Jessica he just wants to be friends because he’s still in love with Anita Pearce. Jessica hardly cares because at this point the date is a total disaster anyway. Steven doesn’t see Jessica until he’s in the car. He doesn’t give her away, but hollers at her as soon as they get to the circus and have a minute alone. Then, of course, the rest of the Wakefield clan shows up and Jessica runs off to hide in the bathroom. Anita Pearce walks in and Jessica has an idea. She tells Anita that Josh still loves her and she should go talk to him.

After the show, Jessica’s group runs into the Wakefields and the whole sordid thing comes out. Josh is pissed at first, but he gets over it because he and Anita are getting back together. The Wakefield parents aren’t quite as understanding and they ground Jessica for two weeks. Things aren’t all bad, though. Everyone at school thinks Jessica’s secret affair with an older man is the height of romance, and they think she’s just so amazing for stepping aside so Anita and Josh could get back together.

Quotes:

In all likelihood Jessica was telling the truth, and Josh had just mistaken her for someone else.

Yeah, that’s the most likely scenario…

“He obviously likes you and was afraid – and rightly so – that you wouldn’t agree to go out with him once you knew his real age. But it’s a rotten, rotten thing to do. He could have really hurt you. If I were you, I’d tell him exactly what you think of the way he’s behaved!”

Sometimes Liz sounds like a British nanny.

The Cover: Josh looks like a giant.

The Moral of the Story: Only nerds can be class president.

The Big Deal: Sixth grade class presidential election, party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Linda Lloyd, sixth grade class president, has to move to Texas, so the sixth grade gets to elect someone new. The Unicorns, of course, think the new president should be a Unicorn. To complicate matters, there’s a question of what should be done with the money the book fair brings in. The Unicorns think the money should go toward a big party for the sixth grade, while Liz and Amy think it should buy a VCR for the library. (LOL, remember VCRs?)

Amy and Julie nominate Liz, and the Unicorns nominate Jessica. Oh, disaster. Jim Sturbridge nominates Randy Mason as a joke. Jessica is sure she’s got this thing in the bag, considering Randy is a great big nerd and Liz isn’t far off. Lila calls Amy and says the Boosters are having a campaign pool party at Lila’s, and when Liz mentions it to Jessica, Jessica accuses her of spying.

So now the twins are fighting, and the next morning Liz’s stack of campaign flyers goes mysteriously missing from the school library. Liz gets in trouble later because they’ve been thrown into the school fountain. While she, Amy and Julie fish them all out, they see Lila and Ellen watching them and giggling. When Jessica finds out what Lila and Ellen did, she gets it into her head that Liz is going to do something awful to get back at her. She goes snooping in Liz’s room and finds out Liz is planning to hold a rally after the soccer game on Friday. Jessica and Lila decide they have to figure out a way to stop it.

Because of her rich daddy, Lila is able to get her hands on a few boxes of Johnny Buck’s not-yet-released single. The Unicorns spread out through the crowd at the soccer game and tell everyone they need to get out to the parking lot now if they want a copy. By the time the game is over, the stands are empty and Liz’s rally is ruined. In retaliation, she draws mustaches on all Jessica’s flyers. A big fight ensues and the twins aren’t speaking to each other.

Randy Mason has his own little rally, and he says he would use the book fair money to throw the party, but he’d sell tickets to get in and use the ticket money to buy a VCR. Liz is too dumb to have thought of that and she thinks it’s a great idea. She’s pretty sure Randy won’t get elected because he’s such a nerd, so she decides to say that’s what she’ll do with the money. She’s sure she’ll get elected that way, and then the school can have the party and the VCR, as opposed to just the party if Jessica wins. However, she feels like it might not be the right thing to do, even if she gives Randy credit for the idea.

At the assembly the next day, Jessica gives a speech that makes it clear she has absolutely no idea what a class president does. All she wants to talk about is the party. When it’s Liz’s turn to speak, she tells everyone she’s dropping out of the race and she hopes all her supporters will vote for Randy instead because he has the best ideas. Then Randy talks about all his ideas and it’s obvious he’s the best man for the job. He wins the election and asks Liz to be his “special executive assistant” and asks Jessica to help him organize the party.

Quotes:

Julie looked worried. “I hope Lila isn’t planning any dirty tricks to play on you.” Lila was famous for her clever schemes.

Elizabeth shook her head firmly. “Even if she does, Jessica would never go along with it. She wouldn’t do anything like that.”

Since when?

The Cover: Liz needs to stop baring her teeth like that. She looks like she’s going to bite someone. And holy Jesus, that button is as big as her head. Literally.

The Moral of the Story: Everybody loves a tugboat!

The Big Deal: Birthday party for Mary

Synopsis:

Mary Robinson is feeling down. Her long lost mother went and married this Tim Wallace guy and Mary feels left out. But for some reason she’s going around telling all her friends that Tim is this rich architect who buys her presents and is designing a mansion for her and her mom. He’s not. He’s a handyman who just bought a tugboat.

The twins can tell something is bothering Mary. She rushes straight home from school every day, her grades are falling and – worst of all! – she keeps missing Unicorn meetings. The Unicorns have a special lunch meeting just so Mary can be there, but Mary has gone home to have lunch with her mom. Janet decides to continue the meeting after school and if Mary’s not there, she’s kicked out of the Unicorns.

Mary manages to make it to the Dairi Burger for the meeting, and she’s mortified when her mom and stepfather walk in. Tim pulls up a chair and starts talking to the Unicorns. Mary fakes a stomach ache when he starts talking about the tugboat (Mary’s been telling everyone it’s a yacht). Mr. and Mrs. Wallace take Mary home and try to think of some way to make her feel better about things. They decide to throw her a surprise birthday party on the tugboat. So now they’re spending even less time with Mary because they’re always heading off to the harbor to fix up the boat. And Mary’s friends are always talking about the party, and they shut up whenever Mary comes near.

Mary tells Liz she’s afraid nobody likes her anymore, so Liz spills the beans about the party. Mary’s pretty happy until Liz tells her the party is going to be on the boat. Oh, no. She’s sure nobody will want to be her friend when they see her stupid tugboat. The day before the party, Mary fakes another stomach ache so she can leave school early. When her mom and Tim don’t seem overly worried about her, Mary decides the best thing to do is run away. But as soon as she walks out the door, she trips over her bike and hurts her arm. Tim comes outside to investigate, sees Mary’s arm is hurt, and offers to carry her inside. Because she can’t walk with an injured arm? Tim promises he won’t tell Mary’s mom that Mary was running away, and Mary decides she trusts him and it’s okay with her if he adopts her.

Now that she’s discovered what a nice guy Tim really is, Mary guesses she ought to go to the damn party. She shouldn’t have worried, of course. All her friends think it’s super cool that her family owns a tugboat, and everyone thinks Tim is dreamy when he takes out his guitar and sings a song he wrote just for Mary, and then all the songs from the Unicorns’ current favorite movie.

Quotes:

Elizabeth frowned. She missed spending long Sixers work sessions with Mary, the two of them typing and laughing for hours on end.

I keep picturing Liz and Mary laughing insanely while they type. Reminds me of Hyperbole and a Half’s Internet Forever.

[Tim] took out his guitar and sang a simple melody about love and trust. Each verse talked about building love like a house, adding room after room until the house had turned into a castle. The chorus was, “There’s always room for more love.”

Barf. We get more lyrics later on: “Love takes time, love takes work, but now my love castle is finished, and my princess can move in.” Ew.

The Cover: Mary looks exactly like the twins, and I don’t know who that other person is supposed to be. My husband saw this cover and said, “It’s Pat!”

The Moral of the Story: Secrets are bad.

The Big Deal: Party at Lila’s

Synopsis:

Mr. Wakefield takes the twins out to dinner one night and teaches them a secret language called Ithig. Basically, you add ithig into each syllable of each word you say. The twins pick it up pretty quickly, and Caroline Pearce overhears them speaking it from the next table. She tries to butt her nose in, but Mr. Wakefield tells her it’s a family secret and she needs to mind her own bidness.

The next morning, the Unicorns demand to know everything about this secret language Caroline told them about. They’re pissed when Jessica says she promised her dad she wouldn’t say anything about it to anyone, and Amy is pissed at Liz for keeping secrets from her. United in their hatred of all things Wakefield, Caroline and Amy sit with the Unicorns at lunch and they all ignore the twins together. Later that day, Lila makes a point of talking loudly about a party her father is having that weekend and the famous tennis star who’s going to be there. Jessica is devastated that she and Liz aren’t invited.

As you can imagine, it doesn’t take long for Jessica to tell Lila how to speak Ithig. She wants to go to that party, yo. Liz is furious when she finds out Jessica blabbed, but she’s glad that at least the secret is out now and things can go back to normal. Lila teaches it to everyone at her party, and Amy calls Liz that night to be a bitch about Liz not teaching it to her. The next day at school, all the kids in Liz’s music class speak Ithig at their substitute teacher, Ms. McDonald, who looks like she wants to cry. Lila wants the whole class to speak Ithig to Ms. McDonald next week when the district supervisor is reviewing her, but Liz and Amy, who have just made up, think it’s a terrible idea.

Liz thinks about things and decides the only way to help Ms. McDonald is to teach her Ithig. She’s surprised when Ms. McDonald says she already knows it because she’s picked it up just by hearing the students speak it so much. When the district supervisor is there, Lila asks a question in Ithig and is shocked when Ms. McDonald answers her in kind. Then Ms. McDonald tells the supervisor that it’s a secret language and she can’t tell him what it’s all about. All the kids besides Lila are impressed with how cool Ms. McDonald is.

The Cover: Close that big mouth of yours, Caroline, you nosy bitch.

The Moral of the Story: If you hold out long enough, someone will eventually tell you to go ahead and keep the two hundred dollars you found.

The Big Deal: Student council elections

Synopsis:

While helping Ellen’s brother Mark bury his dead parakeet in the backyard, Ellen and Jessica find a mysterious box. How fortuitous that Mark would pick that exact spot to start digging. Ellen and Jessica contrive an excuse for Mark to get out of their hair, and they open the box while he’s gone. They find two hundred dollars in cash and some old love letters and photographs. Some rich girl was in love with the gardener’s son but apparently they didn’t end up together. Ellen and Jessica think it’s terribly romantic. They take their two hundred dollars and go to the mall.

Elizabeth is running for student council treasurer. Amy is her campaign manager and she makes some glittery posters. Liz thinks they’re a little flashy, but she goes with it. Way to live a little, Liz. Olivia’s posters are pretty and artistic, but Peter DeHaven’s are super boring because he’s a big nerd. He comes to school one day wearing brown socks with white sneakers and everyone makes fun of him. Poor Peter.

Ms. Wyler’s class has been selling candy to raise money for a trip to Disneyland. When the money goes missing, Liz starts to get suspicious about all the new stuff Ellen and Jessica have acquired lately. She goes searching in Jessica’s room for a sweatshirt Jessica borrowed, and she finds the receipt for a Walkman Jessica said she’d found on a bench at the mall. Liz starts having a panic attack about Jessica possibly being a thief. She interrogates Jessica and is convinced she must have stolen the Disneyland money.

Mark Riteman is starting to get suspicious about what Ellen and Jessica found in the box, and he goes snooping in Ellen’s room. He has to hide in the closet when Ellen and Jessica come in and start talking about the money. They find and he demands his share of the money or he’s going to tell on them. Jessica takes the box of letters and photographs home with her, so when Mark tries to tattle, he doesn’t have any proof.

Amy is feeling down because she was in charge of the Disneyland money and everyone thinks she stole it. Trying to cheer her up, Liz tells her she thinks maybe it was Ellen and Jessica. Amy gets pissed and tells Caroline that Ellen and Jessica stole the money, so by the end of the day everyone is giving them dirty looks. Liz tells Amy she doesn’t appreciate her spreading rumors and Amy is a little bitch about the whole thing. Ken sees Liz is upset and tries to make her feel better, and of course Amy thinks this means Ken has the hots for Liz. She tells Liz she can’t be her campaign manager anymore, and instead goes to the Peter DeHaven camp.

Liz tells Jessica everyone thinks she and Ellen stole the money, and she’s pissed because nobody wants a class treasurer whose sister is a thief. It’s all about YOU, Liz. And the next morning, Peter comes to school looking like a normal person instead of a nerd. Amy has given him a fakeover, so now he wears jeans and t-shirts instead of brown slacks and button-down shirts. When it comes time for the campaign speeches, Peter sings a song and does a dance and the audience goes wild. Liz can’t find her speech because Jessica took her notebook to copy her math homework. She has to wing it and she does a crappy job. Afterward, Jessica confesses to taking her notebook, and Liz goes crazy, accusing Jessica of trying to ruin her life.

Mr. Bowman sends Liz and Amy to the supply closet to get some paper. They get locked in. Before they’re rescued, they manage to make up and also find the missing class money. Hooray! They hurry home to tell Jessica she’s off the hook for stealing the money, but Steve says she and Ellen are hiding out somewhere. In fact, they’re waiting on Ellen’s front porch, with the treasure chest, ready to confess everything. Mrs. Wakefield and Mrs. Riteman have both been called to the school because even the teachers have heard the rumor about the class money.

While they’re waiting, Ellen and Jessica see a woman walking up the street toward Ellen’s house. She looks exactly like the girl in the pictures they found, so naturally, they assume she’s a ghost who wants her two hundred dollars back. She’s not. Her name is Laura and she’s the granddaughter of the treasure chest girl. She wanted to see her grandparents’ old house while she was in town on business. Mrs. Riteman and Mrs. Wakefield pull up right then and the girls confess everything. And then Amy and Liz show up to tell them the class money has been found. Laura reads her grandparents’ letters and it helps her make a decision about her own love life, and she tells Ellen and Jessica they can keep the money they found. Liz wins the class treasurer election and everything is great.

Quotes:

Elizabeth closed her eyes. This was worse than any nightmare she had ever dreamed.

Liz must have pretty tame nightmares.

The Cover: That’s pretty much exactly how I always pictured Ellen. Minus the “OMG there’s a ghost coming up my driveway” expression on her face.

The Moral of the Story: You can’t make friends unless you can win contests.

The Big Deal: Mini Olympics

New Kid with a Problem: Pamela Jacobson, heart condition

Synopsis:

Liz’s new friend this week is Pamela Jacobson. Pamela is a recent transfer to Sweet Valley Middle School. She has a heart condition and was attending the “special” school, but all she wants is to be a normal kid! So she’s gotten her parents to let her transfer, but at the first sign of fatigue or depression, it’s back to Ridgedale.

Steven Wakefield has been annoying the twins by saying he has ESP. They want him to STFU, so they tell him people with ESP have visions. That night Jessica puts on a ghost costume and climbs a ladder up to Steve’s window. Steve opens the shade and starts screaming, and he scares Jessica so much that she falls off the ladder and sprains her ankle. She has a fun time getting fawned over at school the next day, but by the second day she’s sick of her crutches and she just wants her old life back, dammit.

Jessica has been put in charge of the Mini Olympics at school. Ever since Liz started getting to know Pamela, she’s been trying to get Jessica to change the Olympics and put in more activities for kids who can’t do athletic stuff. Jessica thought it was a lame idea, but now that she’s handicapped herself, she thinks Liz just might be on to something. She doesn’t care anything about Pamela, but Lila’s been trying to take over her job as chairman and Jessica thinks this is the perfect opportunity to get the power back.

Pamela’s parents don’t think she’s progressing very well at normal school, and they’ve decided that she’ll go back to Ridgedale next month if things don’t improve. They seem convinced that since she can’t do anything athletic, she’s totally isolated from the rest of the kids. I don’t get it. I never did anything athletic in school and I don’t feel like I was ever lacking in friends. But whatever…Pamela says she’d like to stay at Sweet Valley Middle, and her eighth-grade brother is pissed because he’s embarrassed of her. Pamela starts thinking they’re right, that the fact that she can’t participate in the Mini Olympics means she shouldn’t have even tried to go to a normal school.

Jessica goes to Pamela’s house and tells her she needs her advice about what kind of special activities can be added to the Mini Olympics, and she convinces Pamela to go to that night’s committee meeting with her. She figures that if Pamela is there, the faculty advisers won’t put up too much of a fight about changing things around. She also figures that Lila will argue and end up looking like a jerk. Who needs enemies, right?

Pamela and Jessica spend many long hours reorganizing the plans for the Olympics. What they come up with is ridiculous. One of the new events is a bed-making contest, which is just, like, what? But okay, fine. Let’s say there’s someone on your team who is awesome at making beds. You can’t just put that person in the bed-making contest. Names will be drawn at random to decide who will participate in each event. I think this is really dumb. Only Lila agrees with me.

The day is broken up into three parts. First, the talent competition. Each team puts on a skit and performs a song. Next, Brainpower. Spelling bees and such. Then, the bed-making and wheelchair races, along with Crutch Croquet and junk like that. So, no actual sports at all. I thought this new version was supposed to accommodate everyone?

Pamela and Jessica both end up on the blue team, and they’re tied with Lila and the red team at the end of the day. The last event is the wheelchair race, and Pamela wins it for the blue team. Way to go, Pam. I’m a little confused, though. The entire book, we’re told she can’t even walk up a flight of stairs without stopping to rest her weak heart, but she can exert herself enough to win a wheelchair race? Whatever, good job, blue team. Pamela’s father sees how much everyone loves her now that she’s won something, and he decides she can stay at Sweet Valley.

Setup for the next book: Ellen and Jessica find a mysterious box buried in Ellen’s back yard.

Quotes:

“Unless you’re really pretty, or really good at sports, or really smart, no one notices you.”

That’s right, Liz. If you’re not doing anything terribly noticeable, you probably won’t get noticed.

Lila frowned. “It sounds ridiculous,” she said. “Who ever heard of a bed-making contest in a Mini Olympics?”

Indeed, Lila. I hear you, sister.

The Cover: I don’t really know what the tag line has to do with anything. “Is Jessica really as perfect as she thinks she is?” I guess? Pamela’s cute, but I hate her 80s hair. Jessica seems to be swimming in that huge pink sweatshirt.

The Moral of the Story: You have to be talented if you’re poor. Otherwise nobody will like you.

The Big Deal: Party at the Wakefields’

Synopsis:

Jessica is disgusted by Liz’s behavior. Know why? No, she’s not trying to get the color purple outlawed or anything like that. It’s because she’s hanging out with Sophia Rizzo. Sophia is POOR! Her brother is a CRIMINAL! Their mother is DISABLED! Liz being friends with her is the worst thing that’s ever happened to Jessica.

Ned Wakefield has a client who has a daughter the twins’ age, and this client has invited one of the twins to L. A. to hang out with the daughter. Liz automatically offers to stay home and let Jessica go, but Ned insists the girls draw straws. Jessica loses. This, too, is the worst thing that’s ever happened to Jessica.

Sweet Valley Middle School is going to put on a play, and the two best English students from each grade are chosen to write it. Sophia and Liz are the sixth grade representatives, and Jessica can’t stand that Liz is going to be working with Sophia. Because, remember, she’s POOR! Even brother Steven warns Liz not to get too close to the Rizzos. He knows Sophia’s brother, Tony, is a CRIMINAL who went to REFORM SCHOOL. Sophia comes over to work on the play one night. Lila happens to be there, and Jessica tells her Sophia’s there to pick up a box of old clothes. She says this, of course, right in front of Sophia.

Liz is worried at the first play committee meeting because the two seventh grade reps are Mary Robinson and Peter Jeffries, a Unicorn and a friend of Bruce Patman’s. Liz is sure Sophia is going to have a rough time, but it all turns out surprisingly well. The other kids like Sophia’s ideas and she’s chosen as the head writer of the play. Liz is feeling good about things until she gets home and sees Steven’s black eye. Tony Rizzo punched him in the face, so now Steve and Jessica are pissed at Liz. Weird Wakefield logic, don’t ask.

When the Wakefield parents see Steve’s black eye, they tell Liz she can’t hang out with Sophia outside of school anymore. That really sucks because Liz just told Sophia she’d throw her a birthday party at the Wakefield house next month. See, Sophia’s never had a birthday party, on account of her being so POOR. Things are even worse when Liz finds out her trip to L. A. is on Sophia’s birthday. She begs her parents to let Jessica go instead, but they say that just wouldn’t be fair. Okay, the Wakefield parents are being ridiculous this week.

Steven suggests the twins switch places so Jessica can go to L. A. Ned and Alice are going to be at an all day beach party that Saturday, so Liz figures she can throw Sophia a little party while everyone is gone. Jessica loves the idea of switching places, of course, and thinks Liz is the best sister ever, but then in the same conversation she gets all pissy about Sophia writing the damn school play. She says she won’t be auditioning and neither will any of the other Unicorns because nobody wants to be involved with Sophia in any way.

Sophia collides with Jessica and Lila in the hallway at school and papers go flying everywhere. Before Sophia can pick them up, Lila snatches a page and starts dramatically reading a scene from the play. All the kids who have suddenly gathered around start laughing and Sophia runs away. Liz runs after her and Sophia tells her how much her life sucks. When she asks Liz to come home with her, Liz can’t help but say yes. She starts spending time at Sophia’s every night to work on the play, but she feels totally guilty about it. I don’t know why she doesn’t just tell her parents she and Sophia have to work on school stuff together.

Almost nobody will try out for the play at first, but after a few roles are cast and scenes are performed in English classes, people start to come around. Eventually, Jessica is the only holdout, but Liz tells her she won’t let her go to L. A. in her place unless Jessica at least goes to watch the play.

Opening night is a roaring success, and the last scene moves everyone to tears. After the actors take their bows, someone in the audience starts chanting, “Author! Author! Author!” Does that really happen? Sophia takes another bow, and on the way home, Jessica and Steven admit they were wrong about Sophia. Even the Wakefield parents concede that she’s talented. How nice of them.

Jessica goes off to L. A. the next day, Ned and Alice leave for their party, and Steven has some kind of basketball thing he has to go to. As soon as Liz is alone, she calls Amy and Julie to come over and set up for Sophia’s party. Pretty much the whole school – including Lila and Bruce – show up since Sophia’s a famous playwright now, but Ned and Alice come home early, before Sophia gets there. Oh, no! But wait, it’s all good. Liz had good intentions, so she’s off the hook. Ned even drives to the Rizzos’ house to pick up Sophia’s mother and bring her back to the party. While there, he gives Tony the number of a psychologist who might be able to help him out. Then Alice offers Mrs. Rizzo a position designing afghans for her interior design firm. Sophia has the best birthday ever and the world explodes in a sugary ball of cheese.

Quotes:

She was small and dark like her daughter, and, like Sophia, her clothes were faded from age and countless washings.

Sophia is faded from age and countless washings? (Cheap shot, I know, but misplaced modifiers crack me up.)

As her path took her back into her own familiar neighborhood, filled with spacious homes on carefully manicured lawns, Elizabeth wished that more people shared Sophia’s talent for understanding others. But, as Jessica came bounding out of the Wakefields’ front door, Elizabeth wondered if the happy, pampered kids of Sweet Valley would ever be able to put themselves in Sophia’s place.

Oh, not like you, Elizabeth! You’re the only kid in the whole world who can look past your carefully manicured lawn and reach out to the hopeless po’ folks.

The Cover: Liz looks like she’ll pull a muscle if she gets any friendlier. Amy looks like she just woke up. And actually, if I had to guess which kid on this cover is the poor one, I’d guess Amy. She looks like crap. At least Sophia’s shirt fits her.