The Sweet Life 6: Bittersweet
Aaron texts the twins to tell them Robin Platt is really Mona Thomas, and that Mona got fired from Warner Gas for embezzling money to support a drug habit. Liz marches into the rehab center in Lexington and demands to know about Mona. The facility director buys her story about being Mona’s sister and proceeds to break every confidentiality law in existence. She says Mona was never good with the twelve steps and she was only a patient for eight months about two years ago. Liz manages to find out that the real Robin Platt was the only visitor Mona ever had.
Liz does a little research online and finds a Facebook page for a Robert Platt. Robert pretty much matches Robin’s description and Liz figures it all out. Robin and Mona were friends. Robin moved to New York, had a sex change operation and became Robert. Mona moved to L.A. and started working for – and sleeping with – Rick Warner. When he caught her stealing from the company, he blackmailed her into ruining Bruce’s life, but she had to change her name because he couldn’t have Mona Thomas on the books anymore or something. Liz is quite sure all of this is fact.
Jessica calls Bruce in France and tells him he needs to come home. Jess has been having a rough time lately. Nobody likes her anymore except Liam, and she can’t stand him anymore. Even Lila hasn’t answered her texts in weeks. Meanwhile, Lila is hurt because Jessica’s been sending her mean messages on Facebook about how selfish and horrible she is. This is the first we’ve heard about these messages. Hmm.
True Housewives has a live special to announce Lila’s real pregnancy. Ken happens to catch it while channel surfing and he’s super pissed that Lila would try to trick him again. He speeds over to the house and crashes the broadcast, lifting Lila’s shirt and yelling, “Fraud!” Everyone is shocked when they see she’s not wearing padding or anything and her stomach really does have a baby in it. Ken immediately forgets every terrible thing Lila has ever done.
Liam wants to have lunch with Jessica and he won’t take no for an answer. When Jessica gets to her house, she finds Liam trying to play with Jake, who seems terrified. Liam sent Liza the nanny home so he and Jessica could talk. Jessica tells Liam things aren’t working out and she wants to stop seeing him, and Liam freaks out. He says he knows about Jessica’s dates with Michael and Cal the lawyer, and the reason they – and Lila – stopped calling Jessica was because Liam created a duplicate of Jessica’s Facebook page and sent them mean messages. Jessica is horrified and she tries to get Liam to leave, but he won’t. He’s being a total psycho. He says he wants Jessica to have sex with him so she has to put Jake down for his nap. Jessica shuts Jake into his room, and as soon as the door is closed, Jake starts playing with Jessica’s phone. Todd calls and Jake answers it and says the “scary toy man” is there. Todd is pissed because he told Jessica he didn’t want Liam spending time with Jake, so he drops whatever it is he’s doing to go yell at Jessica.
Meanwhile, Liz has flown back to Sweet Valley and she goes to Mona’s house, arriving just in time to see Mona dragging a suitcase out the door. She makes Mona talk to her and finds out she was right about almost everything. The only thing she had wrong was Mona’s relationship with Warner. He was making her sleep with him, threatening to have her arrested if she refused. He also liked to record his rapes and Mona managed to get a copy of one where he was saying things like, “And you’ll tell them it was Patman who did this to you…” Ugh, I might throw up. Mona gives the video to Liz, and Liz calls Annie and tells her everything. But for some reason she makes Annie promise not to tell Bruce she was the one who figured it all out.
Back at Jessica’s, things are going horribly. Liam has Jessica pinned and is trying to make her, you know, do stuff with him. She’s gotten hold of a pair of nail scissors and she stabs them into his neck, but it doesn’t do much to deter him because he’s a fucking psychopath. Todd bursts in just in the nick of time. He can see what’s happening and immediately goes into TODD SMASH mode. He picks up Liam and throws him against the wall while Jessica calls 911. After Todd beats Liam up for a while and the cops have come and taken Liam away, Todd and Jessica declare their undying love for one another.
Annie and Mona go to the prosecutor and lay everything out for him. The charges against Bruce are dropped and he gives a press conference the next morning. Everyone shows up; Lila and Ken, Todd and Jessica, Aaron and Steve, even the perpetually vacationing Wakefield parents. Liz feels left out since she’s the only one who isn’t part of a couple, but then Bruce starts his speech and says he wants to thank someone super important and special who never stopped believing in him and blah blah blah. Liz thinks he might still love her after all, but then he says the woman he loves is Annie Whitman.
And then the book ends. Lame. Lamesauce to the max.
But at his core, Ken was not a complicated man; he just wanted to be with his pretty wife and have cute babies crawling around on the rug.
No, Ken is not a complicated man. He’s a fucking idiot.
The hairs on the back of Jessica’s neck rose a little as she realized that Liam might be capable of something seriously violent. Liam stood wearing his black T-shirt and dark-wash jeans, his muscles tensed, like a cobra ready to strike.
Psychos always wear dark clothing.
“And here’s the video.” Elizabeth handed Annie a Memory Stick.
Memory Stick is capitalized every time, I can’t figure out why.