The Sweet Life 5: Cutting the Ties

We pick things back up in France, where Annie tells Bruce she can’t have sex with him. He loses his temper, presumably because his entire life sucks and he can’t even get Easy Annie to sleep with him, so he goes outside and knocks things over for a while. Meanwhile, Liz is hanging out at her parents’ house, getting drunk on wine and feeling sorry for herself. She suddenly decides she’s been terribly foolish and she vows to get to the bottom of things, starting with going to Robin’s hometown in Kentucky to see if she really is who she says she is.

As for Jessica, she has decided to date Michael Wilson. Liam is pressuring her to be exclusive, but she’s not ready for that (and she’s really not that into him, anyway). Besides, Liam’s out of town, so she can go to dinner with Michael as much as she wants, though she’s taking things slowly and not sleeping with him. Things are going quite well until he suddenly stops answering her calls. At work the next day, he tells her she’s lost the Maybelline account because details about something or other were leaked on Facebook. Jessica knows Emily, her bratty assistant, is the one behind all this. She’s sure of it after she finds out Emily is the daughter of Tracy Courtright’s best friend. Jessica is feeling pretty down about things, so she goes out and has a fantastic date with a lawyer named Cal. Then he never calls her again. She’s worried she’s losing her touch. Liam comes back into town with flowers for Jessica and a toy for Jake. He tells Jessica he wants her to come spend the night with him and gets annoyed when she says no. So he proposes to her and gets annoyed again when she says no. What is wrong with this guy? Todd brings Jake home after they hang out one day, and Jake cries when Todd leaves. Jessica decides this whole thing is bullshit and she’s going to get Todd back (already tried that, didn’t she?). The first thing she has to do is get rid of Liam. She can hardly stand him anyway.

The paparazzi have found Bruce, so there are pictures all over the internet. Caroline sends Liz a picture of Bruce and Annie laughing over dinner in beautiful France, and there’s a good two pages of Liz trying to convince herself that Annie wouldn’t sleep with Bruce. Caroline decides to dig deeper into this Annie-Bruce thing, so she interviews Charlie Markus, Annie’s ex-husband. He’s adamant that Annie is a sex addict and that if she’s alone with Bruce, they must be sleeping together.

Oh, Caroline’s blog is Can someone please make that a real thing?

Liz doesn’t have much luck in Kentucky. Robin appears to have been telling the truth about everything in her past, and the only thing Liz learns is that Robin is probably a lesbian. Aaron goes back to Warner Gas and finds out about a woman named Mona Thomas. She was an accountant’s assistant who was fired for stealing money from the company to support her drug habit. Aaron’s phone falls out of his pocket and Nola the receptionist can see the picture of Robin he’d been looking at. She asks Aaron why he has a picture of Mona on his phone.

Everyone in America hates Lila. #LiarLila is now trending on Twitter and Jimmy Fallon is doing jokes about her. Ken is hooking up with Ashley Morgan. Jessica and Enid are the only people who know that Lila is really pregnant. Jessica is worried because Lila isn’t answering her calls or returning her voicemails.


No matter how hard it was, or how much heartbreak she was suffering, she had to find a way to move on. If that meant using Liam and Michael like crutches until she could walk on her own two feet, that’s exactly what she planned to do.

At least she’s honest about her whorishness.

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  • Whallie August 6, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    So much chaos, I can’t even keep up with the posts anymore. lol <3


  • Tashina August 6, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    She’s not whorish! She’s TOTALLY DAMAGED and needs MAN CRUTCHES! They’re more powerful than regular crutches.


  • Easy Annie August 11, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    Isn’t Annie’s mother named Mona? And didn’t her mother marry a guy named Walter Thomas? Weird.


  • Caroline Pearce December 10, 2013 at 12:56 am

    PEARCINGBITCHES.COM is live. Sort of.


  • Natalie April 30, 2014 at 10:06 am

    so why do all the evil characters have ugly names..??Mona..?? cmon..


  • Nikki July 10, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    “Liam is pressuring her to be exclusive, but she’s not ready for that (and she’s really not that into him, anyway).”

    Say what? A Hollywood actor and Jessica’s not interested?

    “and there’s a good two pages of Liz trying to convince herself that Annie wouldn’t sleep with Bruce.”

    That shouldn’t even matter, she’s not dating Annie. What matters is that Bruce would sleep w/ Annie. She should be more concerned about if her boyfriend can be trusted, which he obviously can’t.

    “so she interviews Charlie Markus, Annie’s ex-husband.”

    Of course. The opinion of a bitter ex is always trustworthy.


  • Dane Youssef April 19, 2015 at 10:43 pm

    YOU KNOW, I CAN’T HELP but notice quite clearly (as it’s impossible to miss) that there haven’t been any more chapters in the once never-ending “Sweet Valley” saga.

    See, “The Sweet Life” was what was going on and going down in “The Valley” post-Confidential. But… now…

    It’s been quite scarce for a while now. “Sweet Valley” seems to have gone the way of the dodo. Or worse–Saturday Morning cartoons and the video store.

    Why is this?

    I guess people really are just tired of… Entertainment needs to evolve and… this stuff really is just so passe.

    Well, just wait for the big upcoming movie. That’ll give this franchise a much-needed revival. Everything old will be new again…

    Who knows? Maybe a lot of the new books, the “re-imaginings” and “re-write/re-drafts” will be a lot better-written… Timeless even… Maybe they’ll REALLY get it right THIS TIME


    Let’s just hope…

    –Sincere As Always, Dane Youssef


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