The Sweet Life 3: Too Many Doubts

Liz gets a phone call in the middle of the night. It’s Robin, freaking out because Bruce was just arrested for trying to break into her house. Liz races over there, feeling guilty about all the lies she’s been telling. Did I mention she’s told Robin her name is Laura? Robin starts to say she could use a drink, but then stops herself and looks sheepishly at Liz. Hmm.

Bruce manages to send a text to Elizabeth before the cops take his phone away, but of course she ignores it because she doesn’t want Robin to see it. Bruce’s lawyer, Ben, comes to bail him out and they prepare to face the paparazzi outside the police station. Just then Bruce’s old friend Missy shows up. Missy Le Grange and her family have been rich country club friends of the Patman family for years, and Missy has never been able to figure out why Bruce isn’t in love with her. At the police station, she asks why Liz isn’t there and then insults all reporters in general. Bruce is already gone by the time Liz bothers to show up, and another reporter tells her he drove off with a woman in a white Bentley. Liz knows that’s Missy’s car and immediately feels jealous.

Bruce’s PI calls and says he found out Liz helped Robin get into her new house. He even sends Bruce a picture of Liz’s signature on the lease. Bruce sends Liz a “WE NEED TO TALK” text (everyone in Sweet Valley texts in all caps) and makes Missy take him home. When Liz shows up, Bruce tells her he knows she’s been helping Robin and he wants to know why. Liz says she was just trying to find out what really happened, and suggests that maybe Bruce had a seizure. She says something about Bruce’s mother’s “condition” and Bruce freaks out, grabbing her by the arms and yelling at her. Liz runs away to live at her parents’ house.

Jessica’s been depressed since Todd left her at the restaurant, but that doesn’t stop her from going out with Liam a couple of days later. Her old boss, Michael, calls during dinner and begs her to come back to work. Liam tells her she shouldn’t go back, and Jessica gets irritated. Whatever, she doesn’t want to go back anyway because she’s holding out hope that Todd will love her again one day. A few days later, Todd sees a tabloid with a picture of Jessica and Liam kissing. TODD SMASH. He goes home and Sarah is waiting on his doorstep. She’s been kicked out of her apartment because she has no money. Todd feels guilty because it’s all his fault (and by that he means it’s all Jessica’s fault) that Sarah lost her job, so he tells Sarah to move in with him.

After Bruce’s arrest, Jessica takes a break from worrying about her love life. Ben Bookman is useless as a defense attorney, so Jessica makes Bruce hire Annie Whitman. Meanwhile, Liz’s editor finds out she knows who “Jane Doe” is and tells her she’s in big trouble unless she can convince Robin to give an interview. Robin reacts strangely when Liz tells her the truth about who she is. She’s angry for about two seconds, and then quickly agrees to do the interview as long as her name is kept out of it. Liz thinks something is off.

Let’s take a break from all that nonsense and check in on the Land of Lila, where things are working out beautifully. Not everyone believes Lila is actually pregnant, but she’s got the Twitterverse on her side. People are sending Ken hate tweets because he’s going on dates with Ashley Morgan while his pregnant wife sits around pining for him. Ken and Ashley show up at Lila’s house during a taping (is the show always filmed at Lila’s house?), and Ashley tries to hit Lila. Ken says, “Back away from my wife!” And then Ken and Lila go upstairs and have sex.

And in other Stupid News, Aaron and Steven have hired an idiot woman named Agneta to watch Emma now that Aaron is going back to work. Agneta takes Emma to the park, where they chat with Melissa, a woman who has been hanging around the park the last few weeks. Melissa has told Agneta she gave birth to a stillborn baby recently. The women sit on a bench and talk for a bit, and then go to the other side of the park to the baby swings. Agneta can’t find her phone and realizes it must still be on the bench. Melissa says she’ll watch Emma while Agneta goes back to the bench. Agneta thinks maybe it’s not such a good idea because she doesn’t know Melissa that well, but whatevs, she needs her phone! So instead of saying, “I’d better stay with the baby, can you get it?” or just picking the baby up and taking her along, she leaves Emma with Melissa while she strolls to the other side of the park and then moseys back to the swings, answering texts from her boyfriend along the way. When she gets back to the swings, Melissa and Emma are gone.

Everyone ends up at Steve and Aaron’s that night when the news gets around. When Agneta starts describing Melissa to the police, Steve realizes she’s talking about Linda Carson, the surrogate who carried Emma. Everyone sits around worrying for a few hours, and suddenly they hear Emma crying outside. Steven and Aaron open the door and find Emma with a note pinned to her blanket. This is what the note says: “Can’t stand that wail anymore! She’s all yours! Thank God!” Steven thanks his lucky stars for the “Jessica gene” that he’s sure gave Emma her piercing cry, and then starts a daycare at the law firm for other employees with kids. Being with other kids makes her happy and Aaron stops spoiling her so much. And everyone lived happily ever after.

Well, that was a nice interlude. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jessica is sick of this Todd-being-an-absent-father business, and she gets especially upset when Jake says it’s not fair that Emma has two dads and he has none. She decides the best thing to do is just go to Todd’s and get him back. (It took her weeks to think of that.) When Jessica rings the bell, Sarah answers the door wearing nothing but a black lace teddy. Sounds legit. That’s how I always answer the door.

Bruce is sulking around his sad, empty mansion one day and thinking about his mother and her condition, which turns out to have been bipolar disease. Bruce worries that he might have the same thing, and what if the reason he can’t remember anything from that night at the bar is because he’s crazy like his mother? I don’t think being bipolar makes you forgetful, but what do I know? And hey, he might really be insane, because he decides to hop a plane and leave the country. This is the day Annie finds out he’s going to be charged with felony sexual assault. She was hopeful that things could still be okay as long as Bruce didn’t do anything crazy, but, well, bipolar!

Quotes:

Jessica had offered her the guest bedroom, but she had turned it down, deciding to stay at the Wakefields while they were on another one of their endless cruises.

I was wondering where they were.

Back at her stylish townhome…

Jessica’s place is always described as her stylish townhome.

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Comments
  • Jessy July 22, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Jesus, this stuff is worse than a daytime soap opera.

    [Reply]

  • Maria July 22, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Jake is talking? How old is Jake? ‘in other stupid news’, love it. I was also wondering where Ned and Alice were.

    [Reply]

  • Maria July 22, 2012 at 10:24 am

    In the last book Todd is angry with Jess becasue she doesnt spend enough time with Jake but he is an absent father. I was wondering were Ned and Alice were aswell, them not being there is a good thing, they are of no use. Can you imagine them as grandparents!

    ‘in other stupid news’ love it Shannon

    [Reply]

  • Lexie C. July 22, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Well on the one hand depending on how it (bi-polarness?) manifests and circumstances, he could have in theory gone crazy and then forgotten it (he felt incredibly guilty, he blacked out, etc). But since this is Sweet Valley (and he’s a Patman, a REDEEMED Patman) he couldn’t possibly have a true mental health problem. He was probably rufie’d.

    And I agree with Jessy up top–its a soap opera! Quick someone call the TV folks and tell them to nab the Daniels twins for this!

    [Reply]

  • Dane Youssef August 31, 2013 at 5:02 am

    Back at her stylish townhome…

    “Jessica’s place is always described as her stylish townhome.” –Shannon

    Well, let’s assume it is. With Jess playing the role of interior decorator…

    “Jesus, this stuff is worse than a daytime soap opera.” –Jessy

    It pretty much is. You know, not entirely day-by-day… but still episodic.

    Actually, you know you’re right. I tried watching one episode of a day-to-day soap. It was so bad, I had to turn it off.

    Still… this is a little better. Better.

    –For Todd and Jessica… Forever, Dane Youssef

    [Reply]

  • Dane Youssef August 31, 2013 at 5:11 am

    Hey, one more thing–why did it take Todd and Jess so long to cheat on one another?

    [Reply]

  • Kanna-Chan January 30, 2014 at 6:40 am

    She’s not going to have her “stylish townhome” much longer if she’s willing to quit her job as the vice-president of a company owned by George Fowler.

    [Reply]

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