Sweet Valley High 1×05: What, Me Study?


Hey. Hey you. Better move, we’re coming through.

That’s my very favorite cheer! I love cheerleading almost as much as I love being a slut!

Patty: Yeah, too bad you’re going to be on academic probation.

Jessica: Whatever, all I have to do is ace Mr. Russo’s next chemistry test.

Hmm, I wonder what Mr. Russo has going on inside his computer…

Personal and confidential, you say? We’ll just see about that.

I’ll just work a little of my Cool Dork mojo, and ta-da! It’s that simple.

All right, nerd porn!

A love letter to the school secretary? I’d better make copies!

Liz: Oh, no! Enid, I totally forgot about my anniversary with Todd!

Enid: Gee, Liz, what a shame. I think you should break up with him. The magic obviously isn’t there anymore, and maybe you’d like to see what it’s like to be a les –

Todd: Excuse me, Enid. I have the urge to jam my tongue into Liz’s throat.

Enid: Of course, Todd. I understand that urge completely.

Liz: Hi, Todd. Wow, this is so weird. You have the date wrong! Our anniversary is…um…Wednesday!

Todd: Are you sure? I’ve had today’s date circled in red hearts on my calendar for weeks.

Liz: Oh, yeah, totally sure!

Winston: Hey, guys. Guess who’s boning Rosemary the secretary?

It’s not you, is it?

Nope, the lucky guy is Mr. Russo. I found this love letter when I hacked into his computer!

Is my Devious Plan face showing?

Enid: Liz, do you know how happy it makes me when you let me come over to watch the shopping network with you?

Liz: Yes, Enid. You tell me every time you come over here. But all the stuff they sell on this channel is stupid.

OMG, is that a pair of AUTOGRAPHED SHAQUILLE O’NEAL SHOES? Todd would love those!

Here’s the phone! The faster you dial, the faster you break my heart!

Oh, Wiiiiinstooonnn. Why don’t you come over here and sit with me, stud?

How would you like to come back to my place and help me do some…studying?

Jessica: It sure is nice of you to help me out, Win! Say, would you mind getting me a glass of water?

Winston: Boobs boobs boobs boobs…

Where is Mr. Russo’s password? It must be somewhere here in Winston’s bag!

Liz: What am I going to do? Todd’s present was supposed to be here today!

Jessica: What? Who cares?

Jessica: Come on, Winnie. Let’s go somewhere a little more private.

Winston: OKAY!

Liz: Did anyone happen to see this note? I was wondering where mom had gone off to…

Winston: Why are we here?

Jessica: Computers turn me on.

It especially turns me on when a boy uses one. Why don’t you sit down?

Jessica: Hey, maybe you could show me how you hacked into Mr. Russo’s account.

Winston: Oh, it was nothing, really. I know he likes soccer, so I typed in the name of the world’s greatest soccer player, Pele.

Excellent. This is my Devious Plan Working Splendidly face.

I can’t believe this! What do you mean it won’t be here until Friday?!

Oh man, this guy again.

Funny thing, Todd. I was just reading my old diaries, and it turns out our anniversary isn’t until Friday!

You mean I have to wait AGAIN?

And now it’s time for a montage. A this-test-is-so-hard-for-everyone-but-Jessica montage

Winston: Let’s go celebrate now that the test is over!

Jessica: No way, loser.

Jessica, you got an A+ on this test. I know someone stole a copy from my computer’s hard drive. Since there’s no way you’re smart enough to have passed without cheating, I’m accusing you.

It was Winston!

As proof, I’ll show you this love letter. I realize I could have gotten this when I stole the test and it doesn’t actually prove anything, but hey, I’m pretty.

Winston, you’re suspended.

Bruce: Hey, Winston! If you don’t graduate high school because of your suspension, I’ll give you a job restringing my tennis racket. Ha! I’m so funny and rich.

I just don’t get it. Nobody knew the password except for me!

You didn’t tell it to Jessica, did you?

Winston: Oh, no.

Lila: You told Jessica? Oh my god, you’re so stupid.

Just a couple more years until college. Gotta practice getting my drink on.

Liz: Jessica, you are the scum of the earth! How could you get Winston suspended?

Liz, you could manipulate guys if you wanted to. Here, I’ll show you how to suck on a popsicle in a way that will make guys do whatever you want.

Don’t change the subject! I’m not going to let you get away with this!

Whatever. I’ll just take my popsicle and leave.

Wait! I kind of…wanted to learn…the sucking thing…

Liz: Mr. Russo, don’t you think it’s a little weird that your best student would need to cheat on the test?

Mr. Russo: Well, come to think of it, I did find it strange. But Jessica said it was Winston and I know she’s trustworthy.

Winston didn’t do it, you moron. I can prove it.

Hey, class! Someone stole the last test, so I’m giving a new test tomorrow. Study hard!

Jessica: Hey, nerdy guy. Like my outfit? No? Well then, get out.

Ah, alone at last. Now, what was that password? Paco? Polo? Pikachu? Pele!

Access denied? Look behind me? What the hell?

Jessica: Oh, hi, everyone. I swear I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

Mr. Russo: You’re suspended.

Liz: Neener, neener, neener.

Jessica: You guys, I had the best week off from school.

Glad you enjoyed it, because now you’re on academic probation.

And you have a ton of homework to make up!

But I’ll never finish all this work!

Oh, Winston! How would you like to write a few papers for me?

Uh, how about no?

What…? How…? Damn these books for blocking his view of my chest.

Enid: So is it really your anniversary this time?

Liz: Yep. His present finally arrived!

Enid: Great. That’s just…great.

Liz: Happy anniversary, Todd!

Todd: Autographed Shaquille O’Neal shoes? Liz, this is the greatest present ever!

But they’re both left feet.

*sad trombone*

  • Cheryl July 9, 2010 at 11:58 am

    High waisted jeans AND a red, white and blue bodysuit? GO Jess! Man, I loved the 90s! 🙂


    Shannon Reply:

    I know! Between this and all the Blossom I’ve been watching lately, I almost miss all the bodysuits I used to wear.



  • rachierach July 9, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    I knew I liked you, Shannon! I LOOOOOOOVED Blossom and watch some old episodes online as well. Whoa!


    Shannon Reply:

    The first two seasons are on DVD! I found it for $13 at Wal-Mart! I just finished watching it yesterday. I NEED the rest of the series to be released. Like now.


    Gary Reply:

    The first two seasons? I think only season 1 was really released on DVD. There is a petition online to get 2, 3, 4 on DVD.


    Shannon Reply:

    Of Blossom? I have the first two seasons, they were released together as a set.


  • Jessica Squits the Quad July 10, 2010 at 8:35 am

    LOL!!! Great recap:) This is one of the few episodes I’ve seen. I LOVE Jessica’s outfits.


    Shannon Reply:

    I really do like a lot of her outfits (because I will forever be stuck in the nineties when it comes to fashion), but sometimes…just…no. The bandana around the neck and weird white pants? No.


  • Clementine Bojangles July 10, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    The weird lesbian subtext between Enid and Elizabeth is something that I’ve always picked up on, too. This recap made me laugh a lot.

    (Unrelated mostly: I’ve been watching old episodes of Dawson’s Creek, the ones where Brittany Daniel plays the super annoying Eve Whitman, and every time she’s onscreen, I think, “Jessica Wakefield, Jessica Wakefield, Jessica Wakefield.” I just had to share this.


  • Fear Street July 12, 2010 at 2:40 am

    Oh God, it hurrrrrrts.


  • winston July 13, 2010 at 6:58 am

    LOL @ “I was wondering where mom had gone off to..” I always wondered why they were 16 and apparently lived alone with no parents and no Steven
    Also, Jessica’s stripey-top-and-scarf-combo is hawt by 90s standards.


  • Ellie July 13, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    I can’t wait for the Todd-switch. Jeremy Garrett is wayyyy hotter than this Todd. So hot, in fact, that I still recall the actor’s name 10 years after the fact.


  • J August 10, 2010 at 7:39 am

    I like how the love letter is all in caps – Shouting much, Mr Russo?

    Great snark/recap. I used to love the Sweet Valley tv show – It was laughably bad.


  • Olivia September 11, 2010 at 11:12 pm

    This just made my day… maby even my week


  • Allie October 4, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Love this recap – it’s hilarious! Made me lol quite a few times.


  • Sarah April 3, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    Is it me, or does Mr. Russo look hotter than all the other guys in the pics? O.o


  • Gary April 14, 2011 at 5:24 am

    OMG! I’ve read this like 5 times and it gets me to laugh EVERY time. Why aren’t you doing more of these? 🙁


    Shannon Reply:

    Oh, I will, I promise!


  • Anonymous August 5, 2013 at 8:51 am

    HA! Is that note on the fridge for real?? I’m assuming someone working on set got so terribly bored and had to find a way to amuse themselves… or this is a much darker Sweet Valley than we’re used to. “See you on postal holidays” hahahahaha


  • Dane Youssef September 18, 2014 at 9:02 pm

    “The first two seasons? I think only season 1 was really released on DVD. There is a petition online to get 2, 3, 4 on DVD.” –Gary

    Don’t bother, Gary. They’re for free online…. on YouTube. No one is likely to spend serious cash on those. But… the entire series (of crap) will be probably be available for sale after the movie comes out.

    Of course, they were so bad… it may kill the “Valley” trend all over again.

    Well… there you go…

    –As Always, Dane Youssef


  • Dane Youssef September 18, 2014 at 9:07 pm

    I wanted to suggest to Shannon she watch the whole TV series and scathe them to pieces, to oblivion… to non-existence…

    But damn it, I may be asking too much of her…

    You think the first season is bad… you think the books at their worst are bad…

    Well, you don’t just think–you know.

    But… Oh. Oh, my Christ…

    Why do you think THE OTHERS were never released to DVD?

    Take heed…

    –Sincere Caution, Dane Youssef


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