Sweet Valley High 1×04: Critical Mess

Bruce: My uncle Andy is coming to town. He’s a director.

Did you hear that? Bruce’s uncle is coming here to make a movie!

Bruce’s uncle is going to make a movie here. Brad Pitt’s going to be in it!

Bruce’s uncle! Movie! Brad Pitt! Isn’t that just the best gosh darn news you’ve ever heard?

Oh, Bruce, will you talk to your uncle for me? I’m going to be in MacBeth, you know.

Psh, as a witch. I’m going to be playing Lady MacBeth.

Hello, Steve. This is my evil plot face.

Jessica: I know you were supposed to review the play for The Oracle, but maybe you’d like to have these Pearl Jam tickets instead. I can’t use them since I’m going to be in the play.

Steve: I’m helpless to resist your beautiful evil plan face.

Hey, doll, I need you to cover the play. Steve’s going to the Pearl Jam concert.

But Mr. Collins, my sister is in that play!

Don’t worry about it, sweetcheeks. I know you can be objective.

Hi, Chuck. See this picture?

Jessica: I’m going to need you to send this picture and a copy of the review to Andy Patman as soon as the review comes in.

Chuck: I’m helpless to resist your evil plan face.

And now we need a montage. An upstaging montage.

Jessica: Loosely interpreted? Overacted? I’m going to kill her!

Jessica: Liz, how could you do this to me?

Elizabeth: Sorry, Jess. You just don’t understand what it’s like to be a real journalist. I had to be objective!

Lila: I showed Bruce’s uncle a copy of Liz’s review, and he put me in his movie!

Jessica, please talk to me! I’ll do anything! Want to compare boob sizes again?

I really wanted to be in that movie and now Lila’s going to be in it. You ruined my life! And my boobs are totally bigger than yours!

Oh my god, she’s right. I really have ruined her entire life with my review.

Mr. Patman, I know you hired Lila Fowler because of my review –

I didn’t even read that review. She just looked right for the part. Say, are you interested in acting. You’re so pretty!

No, but my twin sister totally is!

What about my look? Some people think I could be a model.

Your head and neck are shaped like a palm tree, kid. You’re not right for this commercial.

Palm tree?

Commercial?

I’m going to pretend I don’t see Lila coming this way…

…but I totally see her.

I’ve fallen down! Without a wet floor sign, I couldn’t tell the floor was wet, even though the person mopping is right in front of me!

Jessica, I got Bruce’s uncle to hire you!

Oh, Liz, I forgive you! Now I have to hurry away before you can tell me the rest of your news!

Elizabeth: But Jessica, it’s not a movie, it’s a comm –

Jessica: Whatever, bye!

I’m going to be in this commercial no matter what!

No way, I need someone who can dance!

I just happen to be an excellent dancer.

Good deal, switch parts.

Mmm, tomato soup is good!

I’m a tomato. A fucking tomato.

We sure are glad we’re always around to witness our friends’ humiliations.

A fucking tomato.

Comments
  • Lila June 9, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    Please, please, PLEASE do more of these! Love it!

    [Reply]

  • The One With... June 9, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    “A fucking tomato,” funniest thing I’ve read/seen all day.

    [Reply]

  • HelenB June 10, 2010 at 12:49 am

    As completely ridiculous as this show was, it was nice that Jessica regularly got a comeuppance.

    [Reply]

  • Kami March 8, 2013 at 7:48 am

    “Your head and neck are shaped like a palm tree, kid. You’re not right for this commercial.”

    “I’ve fallen down! Without a wet floor sign, I couldn’t tell the floor was wet, even though the person mopping is right in front of me!”

    Hilarious!

    [Reply]

  • Kim December 8, 2015 at 5:42 pm

    That picture of Jessica in the tomato costume is hilarious. I keep picturing Jessica as a dancing tomato. So I guess Lila was originally going to play the dancing tomato cause she “looked right for the part”? How do you look right for the part of a tomato? I’m surprised Jessica didn’t quit as soon as she realized she would be playing a tomato. Lol @ the evil plan face.

    [Reply]

  • Post a comment

    Threaded commenting powered by interconnect/it code.