Sweet Valley High Senior Year #38: Get a Clue
The Moral of the Story: It’s okay to let a guy run your life as long as he helps you with your homework while he’s at it.
Liz can’t get over Conner: Liz’s secret admirer is Jeffrey French. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND? He goes by Jeff now, even though he used to hate when people called him that, and his eyes are green now instead of blue, but whatever. He’s been DJing at the Riot for the last couple of months and he looks better than ever. He and Liz have a great Valentine’s night and they end it with a kiss. When Conner sees them together at school the next day, he looks jealous and angry and Liz hopes he feels like crap for treating her so badly. Oh my god, GET OVER HIM ALREADY.
Tia needs to settle down: All the seniors take a career aptitude test and Tia is horrified that her results are waitress/bartender, botanist and philanthropist. She’s already a wreck these days because she has no idea where she wants to go to college or what she wants to do with her life, so the test results freak her out. After a little while, she decides to embrace her mediocrity, so she talks the owner of the Riot into letting her bartend for a night to see what it’s all about. She gets harassed by drunk guys and then slips all over some ice cubes on the floor, so that doesn’t work out too well. To discover if she likes being a botanist, she asks Ken if she can join him when he goes landscaping on Saturday morning (this is the first we’ve heard of Ken having a job, by the way). She hates it, naturally. Trent sets her up with his cousin Hayley, a social worker, so Tia can try out some philanthropy. The cousin takes her to help out at a homeless shelter and tells her about Habitat for Humanity. Tia figures that’s something she’d like to do. She tells her parents she enjoyed volunteering and then gets all pissy when they say she should look into being a social worker. I don’t know what her deal is, but she eventually decides she might want to take next year off and do some volunteer work instead of going to college.
Elizabeth is unable to talk to her boyfriend: A guy at Scope is supposed to cover some big Lollapalooza type concert, but his wife goes into labor and he gives his tickets to Liz so she can cover it. She and Jeffrey – I’m sorry, Jeff – are totally psyched to go, but Liz starts to stress out when Jeff starts talking about checking out all the booths and seeing the snowboard tent or something. She’s going to have to write about the concert so she can’t be just wandering around looking at snowboards, but of course she doesn’t say anything to Jeffrey. She also doesn’t say anything about how she doesn’t like poetry anymore and blah blah blah, this is nothing new. At the concert, she lets Jeff run the show and he convinces her to go on some virtual reality ride even though she hasn’t taken nearly enough notes for her article. She gets sick on the ride, throws up and tells Jeff to take her home. He carries her to bed and then says he wants to go back so he can catch the Chili Peppers. Liz doesn’t say anything, but she’s pissed and she’s decided she’s going to tell Jeff it’s over between them because she’s NOT letting another man run her life, uh-uh. But when she goes to break up with him the next day at school, Jeff gives her a whole bunch of stuff from the concert. He went back and got quotes and set lists and promo pictures and all kinds of stuff so Liz can finish her article. She decides she’ll keep him around for a while.
Andy and Dave are gay: Dave Niles is all ready to tell his father he’s gay, but before he can, his dad tells him that Dave’s mother is coming to town and wants to see him. Mr. Niles is a little stressed about it, so Dave figures he can’t possibly tell him his news. Andy is pretty upset, but Dave promises to tell his dad over the weekend. He wimps out, of course, but he lies and tells Andy he did it. The inevitable backfire comes when Andy calls but Dave isn’t home and his dad says something to Andy about Dave having gone to the beach to check out girls. Andy says, “I know Dave told you about us.” He freaks out and tries to save the conversation when he realizes Mr. Niles doesn’t actually know anything, but it doesn’t really work. When Dave gets home and his dad asks him what Andy’s deal is, Dave lies and makes Andy sound like some socially retarded weirdo. Then he decides he’s mad at Andy for calling in the first place. Dave goes to Andy’s and yells at him for a minute, and then he goes home and has dinner with his father and visiting mother. The parents start arguing about something or other and Dave gets pissed and interrupts them to say he’s gay.
Will and Melissa are obnoxious: Melissa is pissed at Will for kissing that other girl and she won’t talk to him. Will decides he’s had enough of Melissa’s crap. Again.
Will: Maybe I really can be one of those ESPN commentators. That would rule. And wouldn’t Melissa just go crazy knowing I’d made it so far and she’d given up her shot to be there at my side.
Just when I thought I couldn’t hate him more.
The Cover: Yeah, yeah, Tia’s cute, whatever. Yawn.