Sweet Valley High Senior Year #29: Where We Belong
Alanna runs outside when she sees Conner kissing Liz and Conner goes after her, leaving Liz in the kitchen to fret about what just happened. Alanna is pissed. Apparently, she and Conner hooked up in rehab (always the best place to start a relationship, right?) and I guess she was hoping they’d stay together once they got out. She asks if he and Liz are getting back together and then drives off when Conner says he doesn’t know. Back inside, he tells Liz he doesn’t want to talk about it. I would say that’s really just too bad, but you know Liz. She just feels so awful about how Conner’s been through so much lately. She just gets up and leaves without pushing the issue.
Ken has decided he and Maria belong together. He feels great about this decision and can’t wait to tell Maria. He finds her studying at House of Java and tells her he knows she still cares about him and he wants to get back together. He’s totally surprised when Maria gets pissed and leaves. At school the next day, he thinks a good plan B is to flirt with some random girl to make Maria jealous. He furrows his brow in consternation when it just seems to make her mad. God, he is so stupid. Maria tells him off and then goes off to the bathroom to cry because she really does miss him. Sigh. What is the deal with these kids? Jessica and Jeremy break up and then get back together. Will and Melissa break up and then get back together (and then break up again). And now it’s looking like Ken and Maria are going to get back together. There are other fish in the sea, people! Ugh, I’m so bored.
Will and Melissa are talking again (I’ll just bet they’re going to get back together again), and he tells her his parents are worried about his future now that football is no longer an option. He mentions possibly becoming a coach, and Melissa’s face contorts in disgust. I guess being a coach’s wife isn’t glamorous enough for her. Will has a meeting with parents and the guidance counselor, and everyone seems really intent on making him figure out what he wants to do with his life. Jeez, he thought he was getting a football scholarship like a minute ago. Maybe we can cut him some slack. Will feels like torturing himself, so he gets out all his newspaper clippings to read about how awesome he used to be at football. It’s then he realizes he could be a sportswriter. He talks to Ken and asks him to ask his dad about getting him a job at the paper, and then tells Melissa he’s going to be a famous sportscaster. She finds that glamorous enough, I guess, and they go walking off into the sunset together.
Some guy named Steve asks Maria to go for coffee. She’s about to say no, but then she sees Ken come out of a classroom and she says yes loud enough for him to hear. Awesome. The date is horrible because Steve orders the same kind of coffee Ken likes and then takes her to the beach just like Ken used to. This is what we call Steven Wakefield Syndrome. Maria ends the date early and goes home to call Ken and tell him how she feels. Ken, on the other hand, has been talking to the guys, which is always a bad idea. They told him that if he wants Maria back, he should act like he needs her help with something. So when Maria calls him, Ken tells her she was right: getting back together is a bad idea. Then he asks for her help on a history paper. Maria agrees to meet him in the library the next morning, and then she hangs up and flings herself onto her bed to cry. Oh my god, you’re both fucking infuriating.
Maria works with Ken for a few minutes the next morning, and then Ken gets up to talk to Todd and the gang of football players that just walked in. Maria feels sorry for herself because Ken is blowing her off for football again (insert rolling eyes here), and then she opens Ken’s notebook to make some notes for him. When she sees that he already has a completed draft of the paper he supposedly needs her help on, she totally loses her shit and starts yelling at him for being a lying liar who lies all the time. She tells him he’s full of himself and then runs out of the library.
Ken thinks about it all day and finally comes up with a plan to get Maria back. He goes to her drama class and gets the teacher to let him act out a scene from West Side Story with Maria. The scene just happens to be one in which Maria and Tony are talking about how different they are. Blah blah blah, Ken and Maria kiss and get back together. Hooray?
Liz keeps coming to Evan with her Conner problems, and Jade’s getting pissed. Liz can tell she’s making Jade jealous, but she’s going through one of her holier-than-thou phases and thinks it’s just too damn bad for Jade if she’s got a problem with her. Jade has finally had enough and she confronts Evan in the hallway at school. She says she wants to know how many times he and Liz hooked up while Conner was in rehab. Predictably, Conner just happens to be passing by right at that moment. Jade runs away and Conner bitches at Evan for a minute. Then he calms down and realizes it’s all Liz’s fault. Evan breaks up with Jade for being an insecure loudmouth, and Conner breaks up with Liz for being a hypocritical backstabber. Then he calls Alanna and tells her he chooses her. We get a bit from Alanna’s point of view in an email she sends to a friend. It says, “Do you think it’s okay that I told him a couple of teeny tiny lies about me?” Oh, boy. She’s probably some kind of psycho.
“I can tell you’ve got too much going on to stay in this tiny town, Maria.”
Maria cringed. She loved Sweet Valley and hated it when people put it down.
I’m surprised there’s anyone in Sweet Valley who puts the place down. People like Steve here must have had faulty sleep conditioning as children.
But Ken could make a little time for Will, the guy whose life he’d totally taken over, right?
For fuck’s sake, would you get over it already?
The Cover and Title: Does Ken kind of look like Heath Ledger? Especially in the bottom left picture.
The title is annoying because I had that song in my head the whole time I was reading this: Love lift us up where we belong! Where the eagles cry on a mountain high!