Read part one of this miniseries here. Read part two here.
The Moral of the Story: Everything is Elizabeth’s fault.
The Big Deal: Rumble at Bruce’s house, surfing competition
Synopsis:
Well, the cops have come and arrested Bruce and Todd for their jackassery and Liz is feeling a little guilty. Lila has spread out her Persian rug on the hood of her car, and she and Amy are hanging out watching the excitement. They tell Liz they saw Jessica get into a blue VW bus and leave. Liz, Enid and Maria take Winston to the hospital, where a bunch of other SVH guys treat him like a hero and make the girls sick. Then Liz goes home and stays up All Night Long waiting for Jessica to come home from her date with Christian. I guess Jessica staying out all night is no longer something to name a book after. Jessica tells Liz she’s been seeing Christian, and Liz freaks out about Jessica going out with a gang leader. And here I thought he was just a high school bully. Now he’s a gang leader. Please.
At school on Monday, Todd won’t talk to Liz and Ken goes ahead and confirms that he and Jessica are no longer a couple. I guess we’re supposed to feel sorry for the twins. Then at lunch, the boys and the girls have some words. Liz gets up and announces that the girls won’t have anything to do with the guys until the stupid war is over. All the girls go along with it and the boys are dismayed. They think it sucks that the girls just can’t understand what it’s like to be a man. Bruce says something really mean to Jessica and she goes outside to cry. Then Christian comes along like a knight in a shining VW bus and they go off to surf their cares away.
Liz, Enid and Olivia go to Palisades High to talk to Caitlin and Marla. Some big, butch gang member’s girlfriend named Rosie Shaw (a.k.a. Jessica’s opponent in the upcoming surfing competition) comes up to Liz and says she wants to talk in private. Rosie charms the pants off Liz (figuratively speaking) and tells her she’s going to try to come up with a dynamite plan to end the war. Liz immediately trusts this girl that even her friends seem to dislike, and for some horrible reason tells Rosie about Jessica and Christian. Rosie calls Liz that night and tells her to meet her the next day at a crappy diner near Palisades High. She’s come up with a plan that is simply too diabolical to be uttered over the phone.
Liz skips her afternoon classes the next day and drives to the Silverhead Diner, where Rosie lays it all out: Liz needs to find out where the SVH guys will be hanging out that night, then Rosie and Liz will go to each group of guys, one at a time, and tell them each that the other side wants to surrender. Liz is in complete awe of this plan and later sweet talks Todd into telling her the guys will be hanging out in Bruce’s basement. She calls Rosie and has absolutely no suspicions when Rosie wants detailed directions to Bruce’s house and asks whether or not the Patmans have guard dogs or anything. Rosie tells Liz to meet her at the Silverhead Diner at nine o’clock and they’ll go from there. To absolutely nobody’s surprise (except Liz’s), Rosie doesn’t show up. Liz finally figures out Rosie has set up a trap. She calls Jessica to warn her and apologize for trusting Rosie and telling her about Christian. She and Enid pick up Jessica and head over to Bruce’s house.
Todd is at Bruce’s trying to persuade the guys to end the war when someone starts yelling outside. They all run out and find Rosie Shaw. She tells Todd how stupid his girlfriend is. Then the Palisades guys, their faces painted in “grotesque designs,” start running around Bruce’s yard. Then everyone gets all quiet and Todd is terrified to see one of the Palisades guys has brass knuckles.
The guys trade insults for a while, and then Christian comes driving up in his awesome VW bus. He wants to know which one of his former friends left him the note that said to go to Bruce’s house or “kiss the cheerleader goodbye.” The girls show up just as the fighting starts. Christian falls and cracks his head on the ground and then falls into the pool.
Sweet Valley turns into Melodrama City. Jessica dives into the pool and brings Christian up. She and Liz administer CPR while Enid calls 911. The ambulance comes and takes Christian away. Suddenly, everyone is friends. Todd holds Liz’s hand while PH guys pile into SVH guys’ cars and everyone rushes off to the hospital. After a while, a doctor comes out and says Christian has died. Jessica sinks to the floor screaming, “No!” Rosie Shaw weeps on Winston’s shoulder. Aaron Dallas and some Palisades guy named Doug console each other. Nothing like a dead teenager to bring folks together.
Christian’s mother comes over after a couple weeks and gives Jessica Christian’s surfboard. Jessica uses it to win the freaking surf competition.
Quotes:
Elizabeth had known Bruce since childhood. He did have a hot temper and a reckless side, but it shocked her to see him treated like a dangerous criminal.
He is a dangerous criminal. But Liz, I’m done trying to remind you of the time he tried to rape you (remember that?).
Jessica: I never planned to fall in love with Christian. It just happened.
Ken: Oh, sure. And your mouth just happened to become fused with his as you were walking into the restaurant…Tell me something, Jessica…does that sort of thing just happen to you often?
Jessica: It really does! I just can’t explain it!
It didn’t matter how different they were; when times got tough, the Wakefield twins stuck together.
Pamela and Bruce had been dating on and off for some time and had recently gotten back together.
So that’s where she’s been.
The Cover: Ew, remember the nineties when everyone wore those horrible flannel hoodie things that Ken has on? And bright yellow sweaters were all the rage? And faceless crowds stood in shadows behind you everywhere you went?
I’m willing to get on board with the “Everything is Elizabeth’s fault” thing.
Also, Holy Shoulderpads, Batman!
jackassery-going into the vernacular. Thank you.
Lila. Laying out on a Persian rug. Atop the Triumph? Thank you, ghost writers, for always making Lila just that more awesome.
Then the Palisades guys, their faces painted in “grotesque designs,” start running around Bruce’s yard.
The fuck? Are they warriors now, or something? Who does that?!
Also, Jessica should be banned from having boyfriends. That’s 2 now that you’ve killed, Jessica. (I’m blaming her, even if she wasn’t directly responsible)
It’s amazing no one wants to talk about attempted rape in SV. It happens in like one book then BAM, they boys get to go on loving life. I hate them. However, the fact Bruce made Jess cry cheered me up a bit.
Final thing: OH MY FREAKING GOD! My bestie, Evelyn and I wrote something JUST LIKE THIS when we were 10 and writing pathetic SV fanfiction:
Jessica: I never planned to fall in love with Christian. It just happened.
Ken: Oh, sure. And your mouth just happened to become fused with his as you were walking into the restaurant…Tell me something, Jessica…does that sort of thing just happen to you often?
Only it was between Lodd (my name for Liz and Todd). This confirms my suspicions that Francine Pascal is just a 10 year old me.
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Lindsay Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
wow, that was a long reply
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Shannon Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Ha ha, my cousin and I used to write our own SVH stories too. They were terrible. Which means we probably could have been SVH ghostwriters and nobody would have known the difference.
I LOVE Lila and her Persian rug.
I totally agree that Jessica shouldn’t be allowed to have boyfriends. They keep dying!
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Lindsay Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Oo, and I totally had those horrid flannel hoodie things in high school. And matching jeans of different colors to go with. Ugly, ugly fashion
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Whoa whoa whoa after all this gang crap Christian just slips and dies???? Tre messed up.
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Lindsay Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I agree. He should have been knifed or something. I mean, it’s a gang war! Hello!
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Shannon Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Oh, but it’s because of the war!
I think maybe somebody got knocked into him and he lost his balance. It would have been a much better lesson if he’d been shanked like poor JT on Degrassi.
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Amanda Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
That would had been awesome.
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Nooooooooo! I should have expected that he would die. That is too sad. Once again with the stereotypes: surfer drives VW bus.
Also I’m curious as to what Bruce said that made Jess cry. Please tell me even if it was nothing.
And I so did the flannel thing in jr. high, with my combat boots (or Chuck Taylors), while listeing to Nirvana’s Nevermind. What.A.Dork.
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Shannon Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I’m drawing a total blank about what Bruce said. I’ll take a look when I get home tonight and let you know.
Completely unrelated: I tried to listen to Nevermind a while back for the first time in ages. Somewhere along the way I must have gotten old, because I thought it sounded like crap.
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Sandy Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
It probably did. I can totally see myself listening to it because my friends did. I couldn’t tell my friends my real secret: that I like pop music. :O
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Shannon Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Ha ha, I couldn’t tell my friends that I listened to Meat Loaf all the time when I was alone.
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Shannon Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Well, no wonder I forgot what Bruce said:
“You’re going to pay, Wakefield,” he said. “And I mean big.”
Jessica closed her eyes, reeling from Bruce’s cutting remarks.
Then she has some kind of panic attack and runs outside to cry about it.
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Sandy Reply:
November 6th, 2009 at 10:31 am
“cutting” remarks?!?!?
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Shannon Reply:
November 6th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Yeah, I think Jess was feeling a tad sensitive that day.
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“Then the Palisades guys, their faces painted in “grotesque designs,” start running around Bruce’s yard.”
Maybe they saw Braveheart the night before.
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Shannon Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I bet they did. Or the ghostwriter did.
I’m just curious what “grotesque” is supposed to mean in this context. I’m trying to create a mental image and I can’t come up with anything.
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Merrie Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I keep picturing KISS.
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Whoever ghostwrote this must have been an Ira Levin fan. Or got lucky, because that was the title of his first book.
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Sandy Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
I was thinking the same thing! I wonder what year the Matt Dillon version came out.
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1991…Hmmm. When did this book come out?
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Sandy Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Amazon has it at Feb 1996, I was going to subtract the time written by the author. But that would be December or January, considering In Love with the Enemy came out December 1995. And that is just sad how I researced this. Why do I try to get inside their minds?
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Those flannel hoody-thingies were deadly.
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Lila you are so cool
With three dead boyfriends you’d think guys would be avoiding Jessica. You think Ken’s secretly thinking how lucky he is to have gotten out alive?
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Shannon Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I know I would be if I were him. He barely made it out alive. I thought for sure he was going to die in the Death Valley books.
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As lame as it sounds, I still want to read this book. It represents a part of my childhood I never quite finishes.
I’ve never hated the twins more than in this series. Jessica’s all, “Oh, I’m cheating on my boyfriend but it’s okay because I’m in love! Why is everyone mad at me? I’m in LOVE?!”
“He IS a dangerous criminal”
That may be, Shannon, but that whole rapist phase was a long time ago. Plus, he made Jessica cry. Shouldn’t all be forgiven?
Although having said that, I do remember in the last book he and Ken have a conversation where Bruce suggests they find out who all the Palisades guys date so they can “go after their girlfriends.” When Bruce becomes a ‘gang leader’, he really commits.
Thank you for your great recap
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Shannon Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
LOL @ his “rapist phase.” I’m still not over it, but making Jessica cry goes a long way.
I’m glad you enjoyed it!
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So who is at fault for the Jessica/Ken break up, is it Jessica or is it Ken? why even break them up for when they had a great thing going! Even Cory and Toppanga fooled around with other people until they settled, why break Jessica and Ken up for? I say to me that was the beginning of the end of Sweet valley to break up a great couple, and then saddling Ken with Olivia later on.
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Lorelai Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Well, offhand, I’d probably say that Jessica is at fault. Cory and Topanga may have fooled around with other people, but Jessica states about fifteen billion times in these books that she TOTALLY LOVES Christian. Her reasons for cheating on Ken is that while Ken’s an okay boyfriend, she doesn’t TOTALLY LOVE him like she TOTALLY LOVES Christian. Even if Ken had forgiven her for this, I doubt they would’ve made it. Or Ken would’ve died. Either/or.
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Shannon Reply:
November 6th, 2009 at 8:33 am
This. All of it.
You know if they’d stayed together, Jessica would have wound up cheating with someone else or, as Lorelai said, Ken would have died.
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Kate Reply:
November 6th, 2009 at 11:44 am
What I never understand is why these girls can’t just call up their boyfriends and break it off when they fall so madly in love with surfers and warewolf wannabes.
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Shannon Reply:
November 6th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Because they don’t want to hurt their feelings, of course!
How a Wakefield twin thinks: “I can’t break up with Ken/Todd/Jeffrey/whoever because he loves me so much he’ll just die if he can’t be my boyfriend! It’s so much better if I cheat on him. There’s no way he’ll ever find out!”
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The funniest part of this book, to me, is that Liz’s idea to stop the highschool wars is right out of an ancient Greek play called Lysistrata — only in Lysistrata, the women of the warring groups just withhold sex until there is peace.
I guess ghostwriting for SVH is the kind of job that ancient greek literature scholars get after they finish their cushy degrees? At least it pays.
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Shannon Reply:
November 6th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
I’ll bet that’s what Liz would do if she knew sex existed.
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I still feel Jessica had a good thing going with Ken, like she had with Sam. Of all the guy Jessica dated, I think Sam was the best boyfriend for her. I don’t know why at that ‘Jungle Prom’ they call it why Jessica did those things that ruined it for her and Sam, and then ruined her life with LIz for like 6 months. Too bad things worked out like that. Kind of ironic if Ken did die. But then Olivia wouldn’t have fallen for Ken if that happened. That is odd how she and Rod were dating when they broke up (I remember reading that one) and the she dates Harry. But then Olivia must’ve broke up with this Harry to date Ken.
ONe would think Jessica/Ken would’ve sat down and talked about what happened. I feel bad for the history of the Wakefield generations, you have one twin that’s good, but sometimes a goody goody and the other a general fuck up that messes up on good things. Where in the world have these generation of Wakefields gone wrong I ask?
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