Sweet Valley High 1×03: Skin and Bones

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Enid: Hi, Dakota! Hi! You’re so artistic!

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Lila: I can’t believe Dakota is using Enid as a model for his painting.

Jessica: Not for long.

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Winston: You guys are so cute, I just have to put you on the graffiti wall!

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Bruce: Mr. Cooper, this is a really great picture of you on the graffiti wall. Ha ha, I’m so cool.

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Mr. Cooper: I’m confiscating this!

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Liz: That’s censorship! I won’t stand for it! Gather around me, fellow students, while I crusade for free speech and the right to humiliate authority figures!

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Dakota: I’m deep and artistic. You can tell by my long hair.

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Oh, Dakota…

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Oh, Dak-ohh-ta…

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Hello, Dakota.

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Dakota: Oh, yeah, hey. Would you mind washing these brushes?

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Enid: Wow, that looks great! I’m so lucky to be your model!

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Enid: What are you doing here?

Jessica: I’m Dakota’s new assistant!

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I wonder if there’s anything in this book about what to do when you look twelve and all your friends look twenty.

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Jessica: I have something totally important to tell you about Dakota!

Enid: Yeah, right. You’ve never been nice to me.

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Jessica: Fine, I’ll just leave and you’ll never know…

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Enid: Jessica, wait! Your clever ruse was too much! I have to know what you wanted to tell me!

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Jessica: Oh, nothing. Just that Dakota plans to paint you in the nude.

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WHAT?!

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Jessica: Don’t be such a baby, Enid. I’ll take care of telling him you don’t want to do it.

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Enid: Gee, thanks. You’re so helpful and I don’t suspect anything strange is going on.

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Todd: Here comes Mr. Cooper. He looks pretty mad about that article you wrote about censorship.

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Mr. Cooper: I’m pretty mad about that article you wrote about censorship.

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Liz: I’m sorry, Mr. Cooper, but you gave us that graffiti wall. You have no right to tell us what to put on it.

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Mr. Cooper: Come on now, does that make sense to you?

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Hello, Dakota. I’m here in my awesome picnic outfit. Enid can’t make it…

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…so I’ll be your model.

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Dakota: *sigh* I guess you’ll do.

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Jessica: Liz, why are you at the mall with us popular girls? I can’t talk about how I scammed Enid when you’re here.

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Liz: You did what?

Jessica: Oh, yeah. I totally did.

Lila and No-Name: Jessica is so awesome. I want to be her.

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Jessica: So, Lila. How jealous are you that I’m about to be famous?

Lila: Whatever, it’s just a high school art show.

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Mr. Cooper: Okay, kids. This is a super important painting done by our super important painter. And here it is!

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Jessica: Oh my god.

Lila: Whoa.

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Liz and No-Name: I don’t believe it!

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Dakota: Ha, she’s totally naked.

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Lila and No-Name: Enid, why are you sitting with us?

Enid: Because you hate Jessica now, right?

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Jessica: Why is everyone staring at me? Haven’t you ever seen a naked girl before?

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Boys: No, no we haven’t.

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Liz: It’s too bad Jessica can’t be as wholesome as me.

Todd: *daydreaming* What? Oh, right. Wholesome. It’s the best.

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Jessica: Liz, I didn’t pose naked for him! Don’t you believe me?

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Liz: Not even a little bit, but I’ll help you.

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Liz: Was my sister naked?

Dakota: No, but I totally pictured her naked, so that’s what I painted.

Liz: Huh, she was actually telling the truth. Good thing I’m recording this conversation.

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Liz: Listen, guys, Jessica is innocent!

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Lila: But what are we going to do about Dakota?

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Jessica: I have a plan.

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Hey, Dakota. Would you like to have a picnic with me?

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Dakota: This sure is nice. I don’t suspect a thing.

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Jessica: Let’s go skinny-dipping!

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Hold on, I have some towels in the Jeep. Be right back!

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This is going to be so awesome.

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Ha! You’re naked and we’re taking pictures!

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Dude, this totally sucks.

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Winston: I really wish you hadn’t made Dakota paint a swimsuit on you.

Todd: Dude, me too.

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Mr. Cooper: Elizabeth, I just want to apologize to you. You were right. It’s totally okay to undermine authority and make the school faculty look like idiots. Here, take this picture and put it back on the graffiti wall.

Liz: I knew you’d see things my way eventually.

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Dakota: I painted your swimsuit on, so give me the film.

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We’re so awesome. Hooray!

Comments
  • Misty September 1, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    Great recap Shannon! I HATED this show, but you actually made it very amusing.

    Wow – even in the stills you can tell that none of these people can act. The best one is when Jess is crying in her Jeep. I’ve seen children on soap operas be more believable than that. I wonder if she got her acting tips from watching telenovelas…

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  • Shannon September 1, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    Thanks Misty!
    The sad thing is that Jessica is probably the best actor on the show. Liz is pretty bad and it all just goes downhill from there. No-Name is the worst. (I think she’s actually supposed to be Patty Gilbert, but I’m not sure.)

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  • Lindsay September 1, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Of course his name is Dakota. Oh, early 90’s, how I’m so happy you’re gone.

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  • Shannon September 1, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    And his last name is Dancer. Can you believe it?

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  • Lindsay September 1, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    No! Dakota Dancer?! The fuck?

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  • Shannon September 1, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Seriously.

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  • Sandy September 1, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    lol! Well the SVH kids taught him a lesson………..and then he was never seen again.

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  • Misty September 1, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    I forgot to comment on the horrible 90’s fashion choices. Is Jess wearing a very short plaid skirt with that red blazer or are those actually shorts? Also, it looks like the guys are rocking the plaid too much (did they steal their shirts from a lumberjack?) and Enid and Liz are doomed to dowdy prints (they get their clothes from grandma’s closet).

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  • Lindsay September 1, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    Can we talk about the chick the cast as Lila? Fist of all, Lila is NOT a redhead. She’s a brunette. Plus, Lila would NEVER dress in garments found at JC Penneys. And lastly, I can’t imagine that chick could give Lila’s haughty “bish please” any justice.

    Also, Liz dresses like I did in the early 90’s. It’s embarrassing.

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  • megan September 1, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    Lindsay-They had TWO Lila’s I think, and neither one was our Lila!

    Also, why was Liz wearing her hair DOWN?? She confused me!! haha.

    I hate the girl who plays Jess. Ugh.

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  • the es word September 1, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    ::DIES::

    This is awesome. LOL4EVA @ “Boys: No, no we haven’t.”

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  • Lorelai September 2, 2009 at 12:26 am

    Dakota Dancer was the ugliest of all of SVH-TV’s so-called STUDS. I mean, really, ugh!

    As an avid viewer of SVH-TV (may I remind you that this is a judgment-free zone), I totally loved the Lila character…even if she wasn’t really anything like the books’ Lila Fowler. She and Bruce needed to get together, though. Oh Bruce — no other fictional character makes my heart beat quite as fast.

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  • DarfurHerald September 2, 2009 at 9:33 am

    Gah, this episode sucked so much it was funny–a student was semi-mocking a faculty member for no reason, and Liz called it free speech. But I have no doubt if someone did that to her or Jess she’d be calling it going too far! Her arguments were silly because she didn’t give reasons, she just kept squawking, “CENSORSHIP! FREE SPEECH! Awwwk!” like a parrot. Jess all but took Dakota down on the beach 😉 *poke poke* and wore a skimpy bikini…but was then mad about his artistic liberty…

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  • Merrie September 2, 2009 at 10:40 am

    I loved that Jessica’s picnic outfit included the platform shoes and sheer knee-highs. Oh, 90s fashion. You were awesome.

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  • Kate September 3, 2009 at 11:59 am

    Was a trench-coat and long hair in your face “artistic” in the 90s? I remember it being more of the D&D crowd than the artists…

    or maybe the shoot up your school type, but that would have been post-Columbine.

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  • Shannon September 3, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    You know what the absolute worst part was about this episode? I probably would have found Dakota super hot back in the day. *hangs head in shame* Not in the overalls, though. Wtf is up with that?

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  • patty gilbert April 11, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    dakota dancer was one of the cuter guys they had on the show. jessica and lila seemed to go after the ugliest guys.

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  • Kami March 8, 2013 at 7:07 am

    Hilarious take on the show! Especially the thing with Liz and Mr Cooper. “Liz, I am pretty mad about hat article you wrote on cenorship.” Ha!

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  • Anonymous August 5, 2013 at 9:15 am

    I love how No-Name is dressed like Sporty Spice up there in the mall scene.

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  • Kim December 8, 2015 at 6:56 pm

    It’s been years since I watched this show, but I remember this episode.

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  • Kim December 8, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    Jessica knew he was going to paint Enid nude so why was she upset or surprised when he did that to her? She’s the one who told Enid and speaking of, if Enid really wants to do something about looking 12, she could start by taking her hair out of pigtails. Just saying.

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  • hippiegeekgirl February 9, 2016 at 2:21 am

    Oh Dak-ohh-ta…

    I die. Lmao!

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  • Dane Youssef May 27, 2017 at 7:55 pm

    You’ve done it again, Shannon.

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