Sweet Valley High 1×02: Oracle On Air


Mr. Collins: Hey, twins. The Oracle’s going live with our very own school news show!

Liz: Wow, what a great opportunity! I’m signing up right now!

Jessica: Totally lame.


Russ: Hi, I’m Russ. I’m working on the show.

Jessica: Totally awesome. Mind if I check out some of your…equipment?


Lila: Why are Liz and Enid sitting with me? They’re such nerds.

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Bruce: Winston, you and I have just got to stop playing pranks on one another.

Winston: Okay, truce.


Oh, you bastard. The old glue-on-the-seat trick.


Winston smash!


Why, Elizabeth. You’re here awfully late.

Oh, hi, Mr. Collins! I’m just doing some fact checking for my audition tape.

Excellent. I’ll just stand here looking creepy until you’ve finished.

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Nothing like a montage! An audition taping montage.

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God, how can Liz’s tape be so much better than mine? Oh, well, I’ll just switch the tapes. Nobody will ever notice!


Mr. Collins: I can’t believe Liz’s tape was so bad. I was counting on her!


Jessica got anchor and I didn’t? What the hell?


Jessica: Hi, guys. Russ and I are so gorgeous together, aren’t we? Don’t forget to watch me on the air tomorrow.


Jessica: Liz, wake up! You have to write my stories for the news show!

Liz: Fine, but I’ll never help you again!


Bitch stole my audition!


Jessica: Where have you been? I need my stories!

Liz: Fuck off, whore.


Mr. Collins: Come on, Jessica, you’re on the air!


Hi, um, I’m a dumb blonde and I don’t know what to say.


Mr. Collins: I should have known. Go save your sister.


Mr. Collins: You’re in trouble now, girly.

Jessica: Oh, Mr. Collins. Are you going to get the paddle?


Winston: Golly gee, I’m so funny. I love playing tricks on Bruce.


You’re such a nightmare, Jessica, but you’re so darn lovable!


Say, Russ, what say we drive up to Miller’s Point after school?


Russ: Yeah, I don’t think so. You’re really dumb.


Russ: See ya.

Jessica: This has never happened to me before. I don’t know what to do.

  • Jan aka Girl Talk Read August 10, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    I think Mr. Collins is kinda hot sorry to say!


  • Merrie August 10, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    This was awesome — thanks!


  • Jenna August 10, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    Look at Liz with her indignant, stupid smug face as Jessica’s getting ditched. Ugh. I hate her!


  • Kate August 10, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    So Jessica is Yankees fan? But they live in California and don’t watch baseball.


  • Christine August 10, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    Y’know, I’ve never seen the tv series (currently on sale at Amazon.ca for those interested :)) but I’m tempted now (60% off! $20!)… What am I saying? It wouldn’t be nearly as fun to watch by myself. All I need are your perfectly chosen screencaps and snarky captions. Thanks!


  • Daners Isadora- Bond Girl August 10, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    “Fuck off, whore” made me laugh so hard. I wish people would tell that to Jess more.

    This was brilliance. And the twins look like low rent hookers


  • Enid Rollins August 11, 2009 at 10:01 am

    This is so off topic, but I was watching the TV series on YouTube today and there was this comment:

    [I read Dangerous love last night and I bawled? for like an hour 😛 ]

    OMG. Because it’s like, so sad and well-written.


  • the "s" word August 11, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    LOLOLOL4EVA. This was gold.



  • Dee March 26, 2011 at 10:21 am

    Love these recaps! You are hilarious!

    Did anyone else notice they spelled announcements wrong in the top screen cap? Aren’t people in SV perfect?


    Shannon Reply:

    Ha, I didn’t notice that! Good eye!


  • Kami March 8, 2013 at 7:52 am

    hmm, you’re right. he really does look like a creep.


  • Leslie July 20, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    Brilliant!! I love your blog and it’s brilliant!! I LOVE this!! Jessica is so bad she’s kind of awesome and I hate Elizabeth. GO TEAM!!


  • KannaChan April 14, 2017 at 3:02 pm

    Couldn’t they have chosen someone who looked younger to portray the twins? The actresses they chose look like they are in their early 30s.


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