Sweet Valley High 1×02: Oracle On Air

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Mr. Collins: Hey, twins. The Oracle’s going live with our very own school news show!

Liz: Wow, what a great opportunity! I’m signing up right now!

Jessica: Totally lame.

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Russ: Hi, I’m Russ. I’m working on the show.

Jessica: Totally awesome. Mind if I check out some of your…equipment?

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Lila: Why are Liz and Enid sitting with me? They’re such nerds.

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Bruce: Winston, you and I have just got to stop playing pranks on one another.

Winston: Okay, truce.

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Oh, you bastard. The old glue-on-the-seat trick.

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Winston smash!

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Why, Elizabeth. You’re here awfully late.

Oh, hi, Mr. Collins! I’m just doing some fact checking for my audition tape.

Excellent. I’ll just stand here looking creepy until you’ve finished.

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Nothing like a montage! An audition taping montage.

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God, how can Liz’s tape be so much better than mine? Oh, well, I’ll just switch the tapes. Nobody will ever notice!

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Mr. Collins: I can’t believe Liz’s tape was so bad. I was counting on her!

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Jessica got anchor and I didn’t? What the hell?

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Jessica: Hi, guys. Russ and I are so gorgeous together, aren’t we? Don’t forget to watch me on the air tomorrow.

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Jessica: Liz, wake up! You have to write my stories for the news show!

Liz: Fine, but I’ll never help you again!

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Bitch stole my audition!

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Jessica: Where have you been? I need my stories!

Liz: Fuck off, whore.

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Mr. Collins: Come on, Jessica, you’re on the air!

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Hi, um, I’m a dumb blonde and I don’t know what to say.

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Mr. Collins: I should have known. Go save your sister.

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Mr. Collins: You’re in trouble now, girly.

Jessica: Oh, Mr. Collins. Are you going to get the paddle?

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Winston: Golly gee, I’m so funny. I love playing tricks on Bruce.

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You’re such a nightmare, Jessica, but you’re so darn lovable!

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Say, Russ, what say we drive up to Miller’s Point after school?

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Russ: Yeah, I don’t think so. You’re really dumb.

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Russ: See ya.

Jessica: This has never happened to me before. I don’t know what to do.

Comments
  • Jan aka Girl Talk Read August 10, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    I think Mr. Collins is kinda hot sorry to say!

    [Reply]

  • Merrie August 10, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    This was awesome — thanks!

    [Reply]

  • Jenna August 10, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    Look at Liz with her indignant, stupid smug face as Jessica’s getting ditched. Ugh. I hate her!

    [Reply]

  • Kate August 10, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    So Jessica is Yankees fan? But they live in California and don’t watch baseball.

    [Reply]

  • Christine August 10, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    Y’know, I’ve never seen the tv series (currently on sale at Amazon.ca for those interested :)) but I’m tempted now (60% off! $20!)… What am I saying? It wouldn’t be nearly as fun to watch by myself. All I need are your perfectly chosen screencaps and snarky captions. Thanks!

    [Reply]

  • Daners Isadora- Bond Girl August 10, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    “Fuck off, whore” made me laugh so hard. I wish people would tell that to Jess more.

    This was brilliance. And the twins look like low rent hookers

    [Reply]

  • Enid Rollins August 11, 2009 at 10:01 am

    This is so off topic, but I was watching the TV series on YouTube today and there was this comment:

    [I read Dangerous love last night and I bawled? for like an hour 😛 ]

    OMG. Because it’s like, so sad and well-written.

    [Reply]

  • the "s" word August 11, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    LOLOLOL4EVA. This was gold.

    -MR.

    [Reply]

  • Dee March 26, 2011 at 10:21 am

    Love these recaps! You are hilarious!

    Did anyone else notice they spelled announcements wrong in the top screen cap? Aren’t people in SV perfect?

    [Reply]

    Shannon Reply:

    Ha, I didn’t notice that! Good eye!

    [Reply]

  • Kami March 8, 2013 at 7:52 am

    hmm, you’re right. he really does look like a creep.

    [Reply]

  • Leslie July 20, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    Brilliant!! I love your blog and it’s brilliant!! I LOVE this!! Jessica is so bad she’s kind of awesome and I hate Elizabeth. GO TEAM!!

    [Reply]

  • KannaChan April 14, 2017 at 3:02 pm

    Couldn’t they have chosen someone who looked younger to portray the twins? The actresses they chose look like they are in their early 30s.

    [Reply]

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