Sweet Valley High 1×01: Dangerous Love
A little something special to help with the mid-week blahs. Enjoy!
Hey guys, we’re here at the dance. Even though we’re both incredibly beautiful, we couldn’t be more different!
Nerdy Girl: Hi, Liz, I voted for you for queen! Can we be friends now?
Jessica: I’m Jessica, you nerdy freak.
Nerdy Girl: Sorry! You look so much alike!
Enid: Where’s Liz? I don’t see her anywhere. I might die if I can’t find her and tell her how much I love h– Wait, there she is!
Liz: Enid, I’m so majorly pissed at Todd for nominating me for queen. He’s been making all my decisions for me and I hate him!
Winston: I think Liz is pissed at you, Wizzer.
Todd: *sigh* I told you never to call me that.
Hi, I’m Scott. I’m a thirty-year-old college student who likes to crash high school dances for no readily apparent reason except that high school chicks dig me.
Jessica: Who is that?
Lila: That’s Scott. Isn’t he dreamy?
Black girl with no name: I dig him.
Jessica: Back off, No Name, he’s mine.
So, as you all know, my name is Bruce and I’m awesome. And gorgeous. And rich. I’m also incredibly cool and handsome. Oh, and here are the nominees for queen:
Amy Sutton [dude...wtf happened with that casting call?]
Jessica: I’m so going to win.
Liz: Wow, thanks guys. I was really mad when my boyfriend put my name in, but now that I’ve won I guess it’s not that bad!
Winston: Wow, I’m the king! *insert near-funny joke* I get to dance with Liz now, woohoo!
What…the…fuck?
Todd: Has Liz been in a motorcycle accident induced coma recently?
Liz: Todd won’t dance with me, so I’ll dance with you instead.
Scott: Why don’t we do the sex dance you were just doing with that other guy?
Jessica: I can’t believe my sister is dancing with the guy I like! My very own flesh and blood!
Liz: It’s Scott on the phone! What do I tell him? I mean, I do have a super hunky boyfriend even if I am mad at him.
Jessica: Go out with Scott, stupid! Hey, do you think he can see my cleavage through the phone?
Todd: I’m sorry about the other night.
Liz: Oh, Todd, I just love you.
Todd: Yeah, I’m sorry I wouldn’t dance with you. So, let’s go do something tonight.
Liz: Dammit, you were supposed to apologize for nominating me for queen. I still hate you and I’m going out with Scott tonight.
Jessica: Hey, Scott, this is Elizabeth. Don’t worry about picking me up tonight, I’ll meet you at the party, ‘kay?
Liz: Are you sure this looks good?
Jessica: Of course it does! It’s better than that dumb pink sweater you wear every day. Besides, it’s not like you’re going to the party anyway.
Liz: What?
Jessica: Oh, nothing. You look great!
Scott: I just swing my hips back and forth and call it dancing.
Jessica: You know who really likes dancing? My sister Jessica.
Scott: Does she have boobs like yours?
Liz: I can’t believe I’m waiting here in this horrible jacket. I’m outta here.
Liz: Todd! I can’t believe I found you here in our special spot! Are you sorry about the correct thing yet?
Todd: Yes, Liz. Let’s make out.
Lila: Guys, Elizabeth Wakefield writes the Eyes and Ears column, oh my god!
Winston: Yes! We get to throw her in the pool!
Enid: Shh, here she comes.
Liz and Todd: Oh, hi guys. We’re totally in love again.
Drunk frat boy: Dude, you’re that chick who was at that party with Scott. Wooo!
Liz and Todd: Jessica! Let’s go show up at the party and bother her.
Scott: Hey, baby…
Jessica: No way, dude, you’re not cool enough to touch my boobs. *pours drink on Scott*
Scott: Dude, that was so not cool, Elizabeth!
Jessica: And by the way…I’m Jessica!
Jessica: Thank god you guys are here! Scott tried to get me drunk and then he grabbed me!
Todd: I’ll kill him!
Liz: I’m still mad at you.
Jessica: But Liz, I did it for you! If I hadn’t pretended to be you and stolen your date, you never would have gotten back together with Todd!
Liz: Gee, I never thought about it like that. Thanks, Jessica. You’re the best sister ever!
Jessica: Hey, look at me. Man, I’m so hot.
Todd: Liz, maybe you should dress like that sometime…
Jessica: Liz, I can’t believe you did that! You got juice on my boobs!
Liz: Here, wear my sweater.
Winston: We get to throw Liz in the pool, yay!
Jessica: I’m Jessica, you freaks!
Enid: Yeah, right. Jessica would never wear that sweater.
Liz: Oh, Todd, I’m so happy you’re my boyfriend again and we get to pull silly pranks like this together.
Todd: What? Yeah, sure. Hey, let’s go watch Jessica get all wet in her white shirt.
*
*
The end. I leave you to your snarking.
May 27th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Awesome, thanks Shannon! Watching this (seeing it, whatever) with your comments is even funnier than just watching them with my own commentary in my head. At least the twins are pretty hot, though Lila. . . could’ve been hotter.
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May 27th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Yeah, Lila was all wrong. And did you see Amy Sutton? What the hell?
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May 27th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Amy Fugly? Ugh, yes. They all looked pretty awful. Except Enid, she was actually somewhat of an upgrade from the SVH covers. Poor Enid.
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May 27th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Thank you for this, it’s amazing. Like actually just amazing. None of them really look like how I expected, except Todd is a fair piece of 90s deliciousness. His hair is to die for, I wonder how many cans of aquanet that takes.
I always thought the twins who played them on the show were pretty, but a little trashy looking compared to how the twins were portrayed in the books. I mean, really, Jessica’s outfit to the dance? is incredibly hooker-riffic.
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Shannon Reply:
May 28th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
They are totally trashy looking. This is more like how they’re portrayed in the reissues of the books, of which I’ve only read one.
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May 27th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Thanks for this, Shannon!
Is it just me or does Jess’ hair look like someone threw it up at the dance?
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May 27th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
this was awesome! Wasn’t Amy blonde?? stupid casting directors! Also, I always hated Lila in this show. She reminded me of that girl from Clueless who Cher hates.
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May 28th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Eh, the twins are porn-star-pretty, not highschool-girl pretty. I hate the over-plucked eyebrows, fake tans, and long straight hair. Where is the floof?
Todd is all neck!
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Shannon Reply:
May 28th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I was going to say something about Todd’s tiny little face perched on top of his giraffe neck, but I just couldn’t work it in, ha ha.
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May 28th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Cher hates Ambular in Clueless! She’s the one that gets out of PE because she can’t have “balls flying at my face”. Oh man, great movie.
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Karla Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 2:02 pm
And Lila/Ambular totally stole Cher’s little beret/French cuffed shirt ensemble! What a bitch.
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May 28th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
And that gigantic adam’s apple! Too funny.
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May 28th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Helen, her hair totally does look like that! But my guess is that they wanted to have Liz’s hair down, and since that’s usually Jessica’s thing they had to do something ridiculous with her hair so you could tell them apart. As though their clothes weren’t a dead giveaway.
Megan, Lila does remind me of someone but I can’t think of who. Who does Cher hate in Clueless? It’s been years since I’ve seen that movie.
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June 1st, 2009 at 6:54 pm
yes! amber! haha.
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November 24th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
This is just wrong on so many levels…. The Daniel twins look like at least 30 and trashy, Todd has a freakisly long neck, Lila looks horrific and dont even get me started on Bruce Patman the 48 year old teenager! Safe to say that Winston and Enid were the best in this.
Oh and WTF happened to Amy???????? She looks like the mum in look whos talking.
By the way the girl that talks to “Jessica at the dance is Charlotte from Sex and the City!!! hahahaha
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Shannon Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 8:21 am
I know, the casting on this show left a LOT to be desired.
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Anonymous Reply:
April 17th, 2011 at 9:06 pm
The second Bruce is waaaaaaaaaaaay hotter; every other guy was on this show was not attractive except A.J. who is played by the same guy who was Tommy in Power Rangers.
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April 11th, 2010 at 6:29 pm
“black girl with no name” is named patty gilbert.
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Shannon Reply:
April 11th, 2010 at 11:16 pm
Ah, thank you! I don’t think anyone said her name anywhere in the episode so I had no idea.
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March 14th, 2011 at 4:35 pm
I so loved the tv series! I wish they’d show reruns because it was so awesome in a really bad way.
Your blog is fabulous..makes me laugh a lot
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Shannon Reply:
March 15th, 2011 at 2:38 am
Thank you!
I never saw the show when it was on. It appears I wasn’t missing much.
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September 22nd, 2011 at 10:08 pm
What is up with the Amy Sutton casting? Seriously! And what kills me is during Winston’s speech when he tells Bruce that he’s free to go, there is a shot of Enid laughing, a pretty blonde girl beside her. They totally had the perfect Amy standing by Enid. At least PBG looks way more like my vision of Amy Sutton than Random Brunette Girl does.
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February 25th, 2012 at 2:22 pm
This post was so completely Hilarious! Which means it’s completely the worst thing to read when it’s 2 am and you have thus woken up your snoring roommate with your poorly subdued ‘half snort-half hyena laugh’.
Totally worth her withering glare though. =)
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